Daddy, now gone

I officially hate it when someone asks "how are you holding up", and it's obviously from someone who's never experienced what I have.  Those people always use the key cliche phrases of grief to ask you how you're doing. 

I also hate it when people ruin my perfectly fine day by talking about it, even if all they want is to be loving and kind.  My dad is dead, people, that doesn't mean that we have to talk it to death, too.

I personally prefer the people that let me do it my own way, let me talk if I want to, answer questions the best they can, and offer advice if they can.  Reassurance that I don't suck is nice. 

What do you want me to say?  No, I'm NOT holding up ok, my dad is dead!  But all anyone wants to hear is that you're fine.  No one wants to know your pain, they want everything to be ok, they want everything to be just perfect.  But it won't be--he's gone, and none of your food, cards, flowers, chocolates or "how are you holding up"s will bring him back. 

That said, it's nice when people say hello, check in, and want to see me.  And it is nothing like I thought it would be.  I thought it would be lots of people, and it is, but sometimes it isn't.  I thought it would get easier, and sometimes it does, but sometimes it gets harder.  I thought it would be five stages, and it isn't.  I thought it would be a relief, and sometimes it is, but mostly I wish I never had to feel relieved.  I wish he had never gotten sick, I wish he could live through my 60s like most people have it.  I wish he could see who I marry, and that who I marry sees him.  This guy I'm about to go on a date with, he will never meet my dad.  I knew him when my dad was alive, but Bruce will never meet him.  That sucks!  Bruce would have liked him, and Dad would have liked Bruce.  Now he will only know my mom.  Now I will only say "my mom", now everything is different.  And I want to share everything with my dad, but he's not here.

I miss him.  The only time I don't miss him is when I forget that he's not at home right now.  He's not down the hall, he's just gone.  or just everywhere?  I haven't decided on that one yet... :(