Although I love to see the people around me give and receive love, sometimes it's just disgusting how everyone seems to be coupling up around me. Especially this time of year, when everyone gets a little sweeter and a little more romantic, due to the holidays, and a little more snuggly, due to the cold, it sucks to see everyone around me coupling up!
I know there are friends of mine who, like me, remain single and still shaken as to how to get to know other people, but it's a frustrating thing. I think of my friend J, who always seems to find a man at every turn, and has had a boyfriend for a couple of months now. But then I think of friends like M, K, R, and A that all are without a partner, and have been for some time just like me! And then I start considering match.com, and it all goes downhill. Who wants to do that, and go through endless, meaningless dates? But also, what are the chances of meeting someone at a grocery store and really hitting it off?
I've always believed in fate, that some things are just meant to happen no matter what, and that in so many ways choice has nothing to do with it, but you also have to make choices in life. you have to say yes to some things, and no to other things, and find a way to reconcile your decisions with your life. You have to find a way to make the kinds of decisions that make you happy to be in your life. And somehow, those decisions are supposed to lead you to your destiny.
I've been thinking that I just have to start having a positive attitude about my destiny. I've always thought of it as this thing that happens to me, no matter what I do, but I'm starting to think that's false. I think destiny is something that happens when you make choices, choices based on your wants, needs, and attitude on life. I'm starting to wonder if I don't secretly make my destiny happen with my thinking--if I believe that good things will happen to me, that I have a great destiny, even though I have no idea what it is or where it will lead me, then maybe my destiny really will be great. I just don't know, I guess...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Weight Loss
Man it is so HARD to focus on losing weight, making sure I get in my greens and my workout, making sure I stay motivated, and making sure I don't totally kill myself trying to get everything done. It's a workout just to stay motivated!
PeerTrainer has really helped, giving me support and motivation online exactly when I need it. It's so useful, and been such a great resource for me. To see others going through the six-week challenge fighting against disease and the pull of addictive, toxic foods has been amazing. And to finally have people who know what I'm talking about when I say ETL, and all that it encompasses.
It's been great to receive the motivational emails, too, since they remind me of why it's so important to stay healthy, and how much I get out of it when I commit to it. It's so easy to succumb to my surroundings, so easy to just give in to what everyone else is doing or eating or drinking, and so much more work to remember why I'm doing this, what it means, and that it really does work if I commit to it.
I was in Nordstrom's last week, trying on clothes for work that my mother was going to buy me. It was such a wonderful day, and so many great opportunities for beautiful items to be housed in my closet at the end of the day. Except for one problem--hardly anything fit the way I wanted it to. It was all a little snug, a little tight here, a little too close there, and maybe even a little too difficult to button! The saleslady was extraordinarily nice, and made it a pleasant experience, but by the end of the day I knew I needed to make a change. Something needed to be different, I swear! So I started back on the plan, which meant saying goodbye to some foods that I love, and are so easy to get into my body (especially by eating out), but that I know aren't good for me.
And so it began, and now, just a little over a week later, the clothes that I bought fit properly. They're comfortable and wearable, and some of the clothes that have been in my closet are starting to get too big! Call the tailor, we need to get these suckers taken in!
What's also been great about PT is that I really get to express my joy about a situation, and get support for my situation as well. They encourage me to stay strong, and they encourage me to stick with it. It's not easy, I'll grant you that, but they remind me how much better life is when I make this change--and that it is possible to make a whole-life change for the better. For the rest of your life!
I think there was always this thought in the back of my mind that said "once you lose the weight, then you can eat whatever you want!" and was always trying to get to that. Guess what, folks, the blindfold has come off, and I'm sorry to say that statement is false. FALSE!!! I have to stick to a healthy, veggie-rich diet for the rest of my life. A year ago, that horrified me. I never get to go back to the life of food luxury again? But what about cake? But now I feel like I recognize that cake can be there, but doesn't have to be there every day. Thai food can be there, but has to be accompanied by a good workout, and healthy eating surrounding that one step outside my rules. It's ok! The world won't end. But I will stick to veggies for the rest of my life, or pay the consequences. Go me! :)
PeerTrainer has really helped, giving me support and motivation online exactly when I need it. It's so useful, and been such a great resource for me. To see others going through the six-week challenge fighting against disease and the pull of addictive, toxic foods has been amazing. And to finally have people who know what I'm talking about when I say ETL, and all that it encompasses.
It's been great to receive the motivational emails, too, since they remind me of why it's so important to stay healthy, and how much I get out of it when I commit to it. It's so easy to succumb to my surroundings, so easy to just give in to what everyone else is doing or eating or drinking, and so much more work to remember why I'm doing this, what it means, and that it really does work if I commit to it.
I was in Nordstrom's last week, trying on clothes for work that my mother was going to buy me. It was such a wonderful day, and so many great opportunities for beautiful items to be housed in my closet at the end of the day. Except for one problem--hardly anything fit the way I wanted it to. It was all a little snug, a little tight here, a little too close there, and maybe even a little too difficult to button! The saleslady was extraordinarily nice, and made it a pleasant experience, but by the end of the day I knew I needed to make a change. Something needed to be different, I swear! So I started back on the plan, which meant saying goodbye to some foods that I love, and are so easy to get into my body (especially by eating out), but that I know aren't good for me.
And so it began, and now, just a little over a week later, the clothes that I bought fit properly. They're comfortable and wearable, and some of the clothes that have been in my closet are starting to get too big! Call the tailor, we need to get these suckers taken in!
What's also been great about PT is that I really get to express my joy about a situation, and get support for my situation as well. They encourage me to stay strong, and they encourage me to stick with it. It's not easy, I'll grant you that, but they remind me how much better life is when I make this change--and that it is possible to make a whole-life change for the better. For the rest of your life!
I think there was always this thought in the back of my mind that said "once you lose the weight, then you can eat whatever you want!" and was always trying to get to that. Guess what, folks, the blindfold has come off, and I'm sorry to say that statement is false. FALSE!!! I have to stick to a healthy, veggie-rich diet for the rest of my life. A year ago, that horrified me. I never get to go back to the life of food luxury again? But what about cake? But now I feel like I recognize that cake can be there, but doesn't have to be there every day. Thai food can be there, but has to be accompanied by a good workout, and healthy eating surrounding that one step outside my rules. It's ok! The world won't end. But I will stick to veggies for the rest of my life, or pay the consequences. Go me! :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
The Fear
So I'm reading this book about how to live a life without fear, and in my excitement, posted on facebook "If I'm scared to do it, I HAVE to do it. Who's with me?" and I was all excited for what people might post in return--what things they were scared to do, how they would help me do what I'm scared to do, etc.
Instead I got a post from a woman who I am actually beginning to loathe--a woman who posted "I've been doing this for years, congrats on taking the first step", which to me sounded so demeaning that I absolutely had to delete my original post, just to get rid of her disgusting behavior. This is a person who acted as if her brother getting leg surgery was the same thing as my 80-year-old father being indefinitely hospitalized for pneumonia. This is someone who has made me feel so emotionally victimized that I actually despise seeing her succeed. I know I should be the bigger person, and in some way celebrate her success, but I simply cannot.
Good for her that she has everything figured out. Good for her that she can look down upon me in my attempts to make my life better, and act as if she doesn't have any issues of her own. I know you, bitch! I know that you had to file for bankruptcy. I know that you dated an asshole for years and let him emotionally abuse you, and I know that you are in love with someone that you work with who you will never tell. So there, bitch! You have your issues, and I have mine, Stop pretending that you're better than me, stop pretending that somehow your personal and professional experiences have more value than mine, and stop pretending that everything that I do is somehow paltry in comparison to what you have done.
You can suck it!!!!
Instead I got a post from a woman who I am actually beginning to loathe--a woman who posted "I've been doing this for years, congrats on taking the first step", which to me sounded so demeaning that I absolutely had to delete my original post, just to get rid of her disgusting behavior. This is a person who acted as if her brother getting leg surgery was the same thing as my 80-year-old father being indefinitely hospitalized for pneumonia. This is someone who has made me feel so emotionally victimized that I actually despise seeing her succeed. I know I should be the bigger person, and in some way celebrate her success, but I simply cannot.
Good for her that she has everything figured out. Good for her that she can look down upon me in my attempts to make my life better, and act as if she doesn't have any issues of her own. I know you, bitch! I know that you had to file for bankruptcy. I know that you dated an asshole for years and let him emotionally abuse you, and I know that you are in love with someone that you work with who you will never tell. So there, bitch! You have your issues, and I have mine, Stop pretending that you're better than me, stop pretending that somehow your personal and professional experiences have more value than mine, and stop pretending that everything that I do is somehow paltry in comparison to what you have done.
You can suck it!!!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Smoking and its Advertising
Today I read an article from USAToday.com about the new packaging that the FDA will be putting together for cigarette packages, to more harshly depict the negative effects of smoking, including images of cancer, etc.
I think that this is a great idea. Smoking not only kills, but is of course disgusting, smelly, icky, and tastes horrible. Kissing a smoker is entirely unpleasant, and I'm glad that the number of smokers is going down. Everyone knows it's bad for you, and yet addiction has claimed so many.
However, what annoys me is the continued sale of cigarettes despite all we know about their damaging properties.
I remember in one of my health classes, seeing a picture of a healthy, normal lung, and then right next to it an image of a diseased lung, an exercise much like Page 26 of the examples of the Product Warning Labels that the FDA is putting together.
I remember looking at that image, and being disgusted that someone could do that to their body, and simply thinking how wrong it was, how completely unhealthy and destructive it looked, just to have black insides instead of pink. It seemed devilish to me then, almost as if smoking was letting evil reside inside your body. Even now, whenever someone asks me about smoking, or even when a friend smokes around me and I politely ask them to move away or blow the smoke elsewhere, I remind them that I like my lungs pink.
Right around that time, still thinking about this lesson, I remember with almost crystal memory resolution the conversation we had in the car that day, searching for a spot in the tight rush-hour frenzied lot. It must have been winter, because it was cold and the memory has dankness scratched on the surface:
"Mom, if smoking is so bad, why can you still do it? Why don't they make people stop doing it?"
"Because tobacco production is a big part of the economy, and if they made it illegal, the whole economy could break down."
I always remember that as my first realization of the dark horrible mess that the world was, my first foray into adult conceptualization, where those days of "it's bad so you can't do it" are gone, and childhood remains a memory. Even though everyone knows that smoking a cigarette will eventually kill you, it's still legal just because of the tobacco industry is such an intrinsic part of our economy, we simply cannot allow it to be illegal, and completely destroy a large foundation of our financial structure.
We can let it kill people, one addicted puff at a time, but we can't allow it to kill the economy.
Now that I'm an adult, of course, I understand that an economic change as large as making tobacco sales illegal would cause people to lose jobs and suffer in that way, and that slowing down tobacco use using the tactics outlined in the USA Today article is a better way to slowly change the economic dependence on tobacco.
But sometimes I just wish that it could be like when I was in Middle School again: if you know it's bad, you just don't let people do it, end of story. Weren't those 10 minutes of believing that lovely?
I think that this is a great idea. Smoking not only kills, but is of course disgusting, smelly, icky, and tastes horrible. Kissing a smoker is entirely unpleasant, and I'm glad that the number of smokers is going down. Everyone knows it's bad for you, and yet addiction has claimed so many.
However, what annoys me is the continued sale of cigarettes despite all we know about their damaging properties.
I remember in one of my health classes, seeing a picture of a healthy, normal lung, and then right next to it an image of a diseased lung, an exercise much like Page 26 of the examples of the Product Warning Labels that the FDA is putting together.
I remember looking at that image, and being disgusted that someone could do that to their body, and simply thinking how wrong it was, how completely unhealthy and destructive it looked, just to have black insides instead of pink. It seemed devilish to me then, almost as if smoking was letting evil reside inside your body. Even now, whenever someone asks me about smoking, or even when a friend smokes around me and I politely ask them to move away or blow the smoke elsewhere, I remind them that I like my lungs pink.
Right around that time, still thinking about this lesson, I remember with almost crystal memory resolution the conversation we had in the car that day, searching for a spot in the tight rush-hour frenzied lot. It must have been winter, because it was cold and the memory has dankness scratched on the surface:
"Mom, if smoking is so bad, why can you still do it? Why don't they make people stop doing it?"
"Because tobacco production is a big part of the economy, and if they made it illegal, the whole economy could break down."
I always remember that as my first realization of the dark horrible mess that the world was, my first foray into adult conceptualization, where those days of "it's bad so you can't do it" are gone, and childhood remains a memory. Even though everyone knows that smoking a cigarette will eventually kill you, it's still legal just because of the tobacco industry is such an intrinsic part of our economy, we simply cannot allow it to be illegal, and completely destroy a large foundation of our financial structure.
We can let it kill people, one addicted puff at a time, but we can't allow it to kill the economy.
Now that I'm an adult, of course, I understand that an economic change as large as making tobacco sales illegal would cause people to lose jobs and suffer in that way, and that slowing down tobacco use using the tactics outlined in the USA Today article is a better way to slowly change the economic dependence on tobacco.
But sometimes I just wish that it could be like when I was in Middle School again: if you know it's bad, you just don't let people do it, end of story. Weren't those 10 minutes of believing that lovely?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Life Plan
My Future? Oh yeah--no IDEA what that is or what that's supposed to be. And yeah, I'm not 16, I'm 26.
For so long I thought my future was certainly in Italy. Then I thought it was most certainly in film, where mass media can change the world no matter what. Now, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. I just realized that I have WAY passed the deadline for applying to this grad program that I've been thinking about, which means I have to wait another year if I still want to apply--which means that I won't start until I'm almost 28, and won't finish until I'm over 31. 31 seems so old to be just out of grad school and without a job, still. And it seems a little too old to be starting a magnificent film empire. I will have to start from scratch no matter what. But it's also nice to think about being such an academic rock star. The NYU dual degree program that I've been looking into is for film producers and requires a portfolio as well as all the mba requirements of their business school. Going to NYU would also rock the house, so that would be cool. But I also wonder if I want to do this just to be back in school, which I desperately miss. Maybe I should just get another undergrad degree. Can you do that? Just get another bachelor's degree without doing all the silly Gen Ed's that most schools require?
The GRE literally scares the shit out of me, too. I get nervous about taking a standardized test. Basically anything with immense pressure scares the pants off me, making me wonder if it's really worth it to take the exam and go for it. What if I don't do as well as I want to? I so often wish that I was one of those excellent people who excel in so much. That just do everything well with hardly even trying. I know a few people like that. Or to be one of those people who just know what they want, know that the hard stuff is worth it, and go for it even though it's hard.
A girlfriend of mine that I had breakfast with the other day told me that we all have the strength that we need when we need to have it. You may think that you're not strong enough to handle something, but you may also be wrong. I think sometimes you also just have to have faith in yourself that you can get what you want. I mean, why can't I be an excellent test taker? I've always wanted to take over the world, but guess what I realized today--taking over the world is HARD! It's not easy and it's not the road well traveled. It's the road LESS traveled, with brambles and bushes and weeds all over the place, and you have to pass by them, and trip over them, and fall, and sometimes cry, and do the hard work.
I just wish I knew that all of this difficult stuff was really going somewhere, was really leading me where I wanted to go.
One problem: I still have NO idea where I want to go.
For so long I thought my future was certainly in Italy. Then I thought it was most certainly in film, where mass media can change the world no matter what. Now, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. I just realized that I have WAY passed the deadline for applying to this grad program that I've been thinking about, which means I have to wait another year if I still want to apply--which means that I won't start until I'm almost 28, and won't finish until I'm over 31. 31 seems so old to be just out of grad school and without a job, still. And it seems a little too old to be starting a magnificent film empire. I will have to start from scratch no matter what. But it's also nice to think about being such an academic rock star. The NYU dual degree program that I've been looking into is for film producers and requires a portfolio as well as all the mba requirements of their business school. Going to NYU would also rock the house, so that would be cool. But I also wonder if I want to do this just to be back in school, which I desperately miss. Maybe I should just get another undergrad degree. Can you do that? Just get another bachelor's degree without doing all the silly Gen Ed's that most schools require?
The GRE literally scares the shit out of me, too. I get nervous about taking a standardized test. Basically anything with immense pressure scares the pants off me, making me wonder if it's really worth it to take the exam and go for it. What if I don't do as well as I want to? I so often wish that I was one of those excellent people who excel in so much. That just do everything well with hardly even trying. I know a few people like that. Or to be one of those people who just know what they want, know that the hard stuff is worth it, and go for it even though it's hard.
A girlfriend of mine that I had breakfast with the other day told me that we all have the strength that we need when we need to have it. You may think that you're not strong enough to handle something, but you may also be wrong. I think sometimes you also just have to have faith in yourself that you can get what you want. I mean, why can't I be an excellent test taker? I've always wanted to take over the world, but guess what I realized today--taking over the world is HARD! It's not easy and it's not the road well traveled. It's the road LESS traveled, with brambles and bushes and weeds all over the place, and you have to pass by them, and trip over them, and fall, and sometimes cry, and do the hard work.
I just wish I knew that all of this difficult stuff was really going somewhere, was really leading me where I wanted to go.
One problem: I still have NO idea where I want to go.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.....
Last night I realized how negative I've become lately, and today I'm trying to count my blessings instead of counting which things haven't turned out the way I wanted to. It's so easy, and so blissfully unhelpful, to just sink into why things suck instead of finding reasons why life is alright despite normal life setbacks.
And so, a list:
1) My family has set me up very well, financially speaking. Although I wouldn't agree with some of their decisions, I will probably never starve or live on the street, or even really have to worry about getting into a financial jam.
2) My parents have been very generous, and I have never really wanted for anything. While this sometimes makes life complicated, since most people have wants and needs that are never fulfilled, or that have to be worked on very hard to be fulfilled, I have lived a good life with them by my side.
3) My family also loves me! Although we're different, and we argue, they have always supported our differences and loved me for who I am.
4) My sister and I are finally--FINALLY!--getting along. It may not last forever, but we are finally being friendly and starting to accept each other, which is pretty awesome. It's great to have her walk into the house, and feel happy to see her.
5) I can cook! I'm not a great cook, but I can pull it off, and I can eat well. I live in a country that provides multitudes of food, and I have an income that lets me eat healthfully, and maintain a rather interesting vegan lifestyle.
6) I have excellent health. I have always been down on myself about my body, because it doesn't look the way that I'd like it to, but I have always been very, very healthy. No need for surgeries, no need for physical therapy throughout my life, nothing like that. I have good hair and teeth, and although I'm no supermodel, I am very attractive. I never wanted (or needed...) a nose job or some other cosmetic procedure. It may not be all that I would have wanted--I don't live in the Beauty Bubble, I'm afraid--but it's a pretty good body, and it's gotten some attention, so I guess that's all I can ask for in this life.
7) I have found really great friends. When I was growing up, the people I went to school with treated me like I was nothing, and like I was absolute dirt, and it really sucked and hurt. When I was older, I thought the problem was me--I thought I was unlovable by anyone but my mother, and didn't know what to do about it. As a result, I was socially stunted, completely unaware of how to interact with people, and how to express myself honestly yet without harming my relationships. Of course, I'm still learning, I am only human, but I've found people who seem to accept me for who I am, and who I feel I can relax around, and I see them relaxing around me. I have always wanted to fall madly in love with some beautiful man, but I think this is better--it's real, and it's completely imperfect.
8) I have two pets who are totally adorable, and who I get to see all the time now that I live with my parents. I also get to see my Dad everyday now, which is great since he's not doing all too well, and I get to talk to my Mom a lot, which is maybe too much for me, but I think she really enjoys. It's hard for her to have it be just her, her ailing husband, and the two high-maintenance aging animals. I think it's nice to have me around, who's young and desperate to maintain herself.
9) I have a brother-in-law who's really cool, and wants to do good for me, and enjoys spending time with me. It's funny how I never felt jealous that she was getting married before me. She is two years older, but I also don't feel weird that in another year I won't be married, and I'll be the age she was when she got married. She brought him into our family, and it's like he was always supposed to be here. That's pretty awesome, I think, and I get to work with him over the next couple of weeks, and I think that'll be pretty fun!
10) I have a job. It's not a perfect job, nor the one I want to have for forever, and it's not even paying me enough right now to be independent from my family, but it's a job. It pays me, and they're nice to me here. I work with nice ladies who want me to enjoy my work, I get a few perks here and there, and I can still walk to work, which is great exercise for the day.
Well, there are 10! And now I feel good about life, even if I don't have much else other than the above worked out right now. Who knew!?!
And so, a list:
1) My family has set me up very well, financially speaking. Although I wouldn't agree with some of their decisions, I will probably never starve or live on the street, or even really have to worry about getting into a financial jam.
2) My parents have been very generous, and I have never really wanted for anything. While this sometimes makes life complicated, since most people have wants and needs that are never fulfilled, or that have to be worked on very hard to be fulfilled, I have lived a good life with them by my side.
3) My family also loves me! Although we're different, and we argue, they have always supported our differences and loved me for who I am.
4) My sister and I are finally--FINALLY!--getting along. It may not last forever, but we are finally being friendly and starting to accept each other, which is pretty awesome. It's great to have her walk into the house, and feel happy to see her.
5) I can cook! I'm not a great cook, but I can pull it off, and I can eat well. I live in a country that provides multitudes of food, and I have an income that lets me eat healthfully, and maintain a rather interesting vegan lifestyle.
6) I have excellent health. I have always been down on myself about my body, because it doesn't look the way that I'd like it to, but I have always been very, very healthy. No need for surgeries, no need for physical therapy throughout my life, nothing like that. I have good hair and teeth, and although I'm no supermodel, I am very attractive. I never wanted (or needed...) a nose job or some other cosmetic procedure. It may not be all that I would have wanted--I don't live in the Beauty Bubble, I'm afraid--but it's a pretty good body, and it's gotten some attention, so I guess that's all I can ask for in this life.
7) I have found really great friends. When I was growing up, the people I went to school with treated me like I was nothing, and like I was absolute dirt, and it really sucked and hurt. When I was older, I thought the problem was me--I thought I was unlovable by anyone but my mother, and didn't know what to do about it. As a result, I was socially stunted, completely unaware of how to interact with people, and how to express myself honestly yet without harming my relationships. Of course, I'm still learning, I am only human, but I've found people who seem to accept me for who I am, and who I feel I can relax around, and I see them relaxing around me. I have always wanted to fall madly in love with some beautiful man, but I think this is better--it's real, and it's completely imperfect.
8) I have two pets who are totally adorable, and who I get to see all the time now that I live with my parents. I also get to see my Dad everyday now, which is great since he's not doing all too well, and I get to talk to my Mom a lot, which is maybe too much for me, but I think she really enjoys. It's hard for her to have it be just her, her ailing husband, and the two high-maintenance aging animals. I think it's nice to have me around, who's young and desperate to maintain herself.
9) I have a brother-in-law who's really cool, and wants to do good for me, and enjoys spending time with me. It's funny how I never felt jealous that she was getting married before me. She is two years older, but I also don't feel weird that in another year I won't be married, and I'll be the age she was when she got married. She brought him into our family, and it's like he was always supposed to be here. That's pretty awesome, I think, and I get to work with him over the next couple of weeks, and I think that'll be pretty fun!
10) I have a job. It's not a perfect job, nor the one I want to have for forever, and it's not even paying me enough right now to be independent from my family, but it's a job. It pays me, and they're nice to me here. I work with nice ladies who want me to enjoy my work, I get a few perks here and there, and I can still walk to work, which is great exercise for the day.
Well, there are 10! And now I feel good about life, even if I don't have much else other than the above worked out right now. Who knew!?!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
True Love ???
ALthough lately I've left my ideals of true, perfect love in a pretty, pristine bubble behind, I find that I still wish that someone truly, completely loved me.
I watched this cute thing on pbs last night: www.pbs.org/pov/dannyandannie , which made me sob like a baby, and realize that true love really does exist.
My parents always seemed so happy and although they weren't extraordinarily affectionate about their love for one another, nor declared their love to each other every day, I believed in their love, and saw that it was real and that it could exist.
Later in life I learned how their relationship was very different than it appeared, and I think that's when I began to question what love was really about. Over a year ago, my sister got married to the best guy in the world, in my humble opinion, and while I love him and am so happy for them, I'm unsure whether that will ever happen for me.
What really breaks my heart is that I'd still like it to. I'd still love to wake up in the morning, and have someone be happy to see me there with them. I'd love to have someone in my life who can handle being around me, all the time. Who isn't afraid to see my at my worst, or my craziest, and who will still say, at the end of everything, "I love you because of this, not inspite of it."
At the same time, I know it's too much to hope for, and too unrealistic to exist. But I want it to. I want to have hope. I want to believe that some part of this fairy tale can exist in real life. It won't be a fairy tale every day, and it won't ever be anywhere near perfect.
But to have something like that, and no matter how impossible it is, or he is, to still never ever want to take it back, to never want it any other way. To love someone so much that taking everything they dish out to you is so much better than being without all the good things they provide, too.
Maybe love, or even true love, isn't in my future. Maybe it's not meant for me. Maybe talking about it and thinking about it completely jinxes it so that it never happens until I get over it. I don't know. And that's what kills me about this life crap: I Do Not Know. I don't know what's in it for me!
Sometimes I long for those crappy days when I didn't really like my life, but I knew what was coming next. School, more school, and then, I guess, a job. Now everything is up in the air, and although I love the power of choice, I wish I knew what choice I was supposed to make. My friends tell me to just keep trying, and I will, but it would still be nice to know all the same.
Maybe just knowing that it exists, even if I don't experience it for myself, is enough.
After all the jealousy, hate, cruelty, and evil that Pandora released from her box, the last of all was hope. I guess since that's all I have right now, that's all I need.
I watched this cute thing on pbs last night: www.pbs.org/pov/dannyandannie , which made me sob like a baby, and realize that true love really does exist.
My parents always seemed so happy and although they weren't extraordinarily affectionate about their love for one another, nor declared their love to each other every day, I believed in their love, and saw that it was real and that it could exist.
Later in life I learned how their relationship was very different than it appeared, and I think that's when I began to question what love was really about. Over a year ago, my sister got married to the best guy in the world, in my humble opinion, and while I love him and am so happy for them, I'm unsure whether that will ever happen for me.
What really breaks my heart is that I'd still like it to. I'd still love to wake up in the morning, and have someone be happy to see me there with them. I'd love to have someone in my life who can handle being around me, all the time. Who isn't afraid to see my at my worst, or my craziest, and who will still say, at the end of everything, "I love you because of this, not inspite of it."
At the same time, I know it's too much to hope for, and too unrealistic to exist. But I want it to. I want to have hope. I want to believe that some part of this fairy tale can exist in real life. It won't be a fairy tale every day, and it won't ever be anywhere near perfect.
But to have something like that, and no matter how impossible it is, or he is, to still never ever want to take it back, to never want it any other way. To love someone so much that taking everything they dish out to you is so much better than being without all the good things they provide, too.
Maybe love, or even true love, isn't in my future. Maybe it's not meant for me. Maybe talking about it and thinking about it completely jinxes it so that it never happens until I get over it. I don't know. And that's what kills me about this life crap: I Do Not Know. I don't know what's in it for me!
Sometimes I long for those crappy days when I didn't really like my life, but I knew what was coming next. School, more school, and then, I guess, a job. Now everything is up in the air, and although I love the power of choice, I wish I knew what choice I was supposed to make. My friends tell me to just keep trying, and I will, but it would still be nice to know all the same.
Maybe just knowing that it exists, even if I don't experience it for myself, is enough.
After all the jealousy, hate, cruelty, and evil that Pandora released from her box, the last of all was hope. I guess since that's all I have right now, that's all I need.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Drunken awesomeness...or misery....
So last Fri night, I had my birthday party. I wore a tiara, a friend gave me a button that flashed lips and said "kiss me, it's my birthday" and I subequently got kissed. I drank. I danced. I drank a LOT, and I went home puking. I barely remember ever dancing, and I find that so sad and disappointing.
My friend and former roommate, who would listen to all my ramblings about this, would commiserate and tell me to get over myself, currently has a non-functioning phone, so I can't even consult her either.
Although I am trying to be my new, positive self, completely open to the possibilities of the future, and letting go of the things in the past I don't like, I wish things had turned out differently that night. I wish I had danced all night, requested songs, and only gotten tipsy. I wish I remembered dancing with boys, and making out with them. I wish I had stayed there for my friends who had graciously come out with me, and not made out with people I don't even remember. It's so embarassing and scary to realize you did things that you don't even remember.
Apparently a friend-of-a-friend who came was very scared of me, and I can't really blame him! I was doing all these crazy things that I don't remember, and probably was a total freak. All my girlfriends tell me it was my birthday and that I had every right to do whatever I wanted, but it still scares the crap out of me that I had no idea what was going on.
I keep telling myself that there are always other parties where I can be the star, there's always my bday party next year, and there will always be more parties where fun can be had, but I just wish things had gone down differently.
Lesson learned, friendships retained (thank GOD), and hopefully minimal humiliation occurred. Onto the next! Halloween...where everything happens at night...
My friend and former roommate, who would listen to all my ramblings about this, would commiserate and tell me to get over myself, currently has a non-functioning phone, so I can't even consult her either.
Although I am trying to be my new, positive self, completely open to the possibilities of the future, and letting go of the things in the past I don't like, I wish things had turned out differently that night. I wish I had danced all night, requested songs, and only gotten tipsy. I wish I remembered dancing with boys, and making out with them. I wish I had stayed there for my friends who had graciously come out with me, and not made out with people I don't even remember. It's so embarassing and scary to realize you did things that you don't even remember.
Apparently a friend-of-a-friend who came was very scared of me, and I can't really blame him! I was doing all these crazy things that I don't remember, and probably was a total freak. All my girlfriends tell me it was my birthday and that I had every right to do whatever I wanted, but it still scares the crap out of me that I had no idea what was going on.
I keep telling myself that there are always other parties where I can be the star, there's always my bday party next year, and there will always be more parties where fun can be had, but I just wish things had gone down differently.
Lesson learned, friendships retained (thank GOD), and hopefully minimal humiliation occurred. Onto the next! Halloween...where everything happens at night...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Marriage
Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, but not as something that I want to do for myself or anything like that, just about the institution as a whole.
First of all, isn't it strange that we call this relationship between two people an entire institution? I guess when you put all marriages together and put them within the spectrum of society's stability, etc, it can become an institution, but I find that rather strange.
I honestly find it unlikely that I will ever get married. I have never dated anyone or anything, and although for most of my life I have wanted to, lately I haven't really felt the urge. Almost as if I finally realized the only reason I wanted to date someone was because everyone else is doing it. It just seems like a stupid reason to do something. I like my life, and it's a good one. I think having a co-pilot would be fun, but I'm really starting to love the fact that I am right now responsible to no one.
I don't have to take care of anyone but myself, or include anyone but myself in my plans. I can make my own decisions, and choose who I involve in them--I can tell my parents, sister, or friends however much I choose, or leave them out completely without feeling any sense of guilt. I do honestly think that the patriarchal roots, and romance in media, have all converged to make us believe that a life mate is the sole reason for living, and in many ways the only way to be truly, completely happy. I don't think this is necessarily true.
I also believe that things are just meant to be, that life is a balance between what actions you take, including what you really want to do, what you force yourself to do, and what you decide not to do. I guess lately I've just decided to do what I want to do, including things that scare the pants off me, and do what I know must be done, even if I don't want to do it. I want to grow up, and be an adult. And I want to stop childishly forcing myself into the type of person that I think guys are looking for.
I've always tried to be "that girl." The girl that everyone loves, the girl that everyone wants to date, the girl that everyone wants to be friends with. Guess what, people? That person is NOT me. I am tempestuous, conflicted, passionate, and can be abrasive. I obsess and get upset, I get pissed off at stupid things and have minor breakdowns for no particular reason. These are not the actions of a fantastical, perfect girl that everyone is in love with. No one is really like that, even!
Whenever I think of "that girl", a friend of mine, M, always comes to mind. To me she has always been "that girl"--the perfect girl-next-door, completely attractive, inside and out, and completely lovable, totally easy to love. I have always wanted to be more like her. And I think I might have actually figured out her secret--something that I think I have been told all my life, but have never really figured out or found the courage to follow. Be yourself, no matter what. And what I truly discovered, is that means relaxing. Stop worrying if you're attractive, stop worrying if anyone likes you, stop worrying if things are going alright. Just go do things, and be confident about it. This is who you are, and this is what you're doing. And anyone against you can suck it.
Anyway, I think if I'm meant to marry, if that's what God and The Universe want for me, then I will get married. These things happen when you least expect them, when you're totally focused on something else, and I think when you are your most honest self. I don't know if I will ever get married. If I find someone fantastic--who loves my pouts and my tempers, who loves to travel with me, and will let me be the leader--then I think it's a good idea. But until then, I think I'm fine on my own. And unlike my friend M, who always has a man by her side, I think I do better without them.
Some people do better with others, they are their best selves when someone is at their side. Some others, like me, are their best selves when they maintain their standards and stand up on their own. I guess...I'm good enough on my own! Go me!
First of all, isn't it strange that we call this relationship between two people an entire institution? I guess when you put all marriages together and put them within the spectrum of society's stability, etc, it can become an institution, but I find that rather strange.
I honestly find it unlikely that I will ever get married. I have never dated anyone or anything, and although for most of my life I have wanted to, lately I haven't really felt the urge. Almost as if I finally realized the only reason I wanted to date someone was because everyone else is doing it. It just seems like a stupid reason to do something. I like my life, and it's a good one. I think having a co-pilot would be fun, but I'm really starting to love the fact that I am right now responsible to no one.
I don't have to take care of anyone but myself, or include anyone but myself in my plans. I can make my own decisions, and choose who I involve in them--I can tell my parents, sister, or friends however much I choose, or leave them out completely without feeling any sense of guilt. I do honestly think that the patriarchal roots, and romance in media, have all converged to make us believe that a life mate is the sole reason for living, and in many ways the only way to be truly, completely happy. I don't think this is necessarily true.
I also believe that things are just meant to be, that life is a balance between what actions you take, including what you really want to do, what you force yourself to do, and what you decide not to do. I guess lately I've just decided to do what I want to do, including things that scare the pants off me, and do what I know must be done, even if I don't want to do it. I want to grow up, and be an adult. And I want to stop childishly forcing myself into the type of person that I think guys are looking for.
I've always tried to be "that girl." The girl that everyone loves, the girl that everyone wants to date, the girl that everyone wants to be friends with. Guess what, people? That person is NOT me. I am tempestuous, conflicted, passionate, and can be abrasive. I obsess and get upset, I get pissed off at stupid things and have minor breakdowns for no particular reason. These are not the actions of a fantastical, perfect girl that everyone is in love with. No one is really like that, even!
Whenever I think of "that girl", a friend of mine, M, always comes to mind. To me she has always been "that girl"--the perfect girl-next-door, completely attractive, inside and out, and completely lovable, totally easy to love. I have always wanted to be more like her. And I think I might have actually figured out her secret--something that I think I have been told all my life, but have never really figured out or found the courage to follow. Be yourself, no matter what. And what I truly discovered, is that means relaxing. Stop worrying if you're attractive, stop worrying if anyone likes you, stop worrying if things are going alright. Just go do things, and be confident about it. This is who you are, and this is what you're doing. And anyone against you can suck it.
Anyway, I think if I'm meant to marry, if that's what God and The Universe want for me, then I will get married. These things happen when you least expect them, when you're totally focused on something else, and I think when you are your most honest self. I don't know if I will ever get married. If I find someone fantastic--who loves my pouts and my tempers, who loves to travel with me, and will let me be the leader--then I think it's a good idea. But until then, I think I'm fine on my own. And unlike my friend M, who always has a man by her side, I think I do better without them.
Some people do better with others, they are their best selves when someone is at their side. Some others, like me, are their best selves when they maintain their standards and stand up on their own. I guess...I'm good enough on my own! Go me!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Fiction, all fiction
It's so hard to remind myself, in the moment, how big my commitment to health is. I have one bite of cupcake--one quarter, which is allowed on my plan--and I go completely insane. Needless to say, my play went to the wayside and my food addiction completely took over my life.
Lately I've been working on what fiction really means, and reminding myself of its definition when I experience it throughout my life. Books, movies, tv shows--they are all works of fiction, representations not of what life could be, but of what we wish life was. Mostly I've been focusing on romantic relationships in fiction, but today I've been thinking about food in fiction.
The movie "Laws of Attraction" is a perfect example of the ridiculous fictitiousness of both romance and food use. On one side, you have a gorgeous woman, mid-thirties, who wears cute little outfits and looks perfect in everything, and yet has an overt addiction to sugar and processed foods, which we all know are weight-gain foods. There is even a line in the movie about how sugar is a crutch and how the character is trying to stay away from it. Later on, sweets are used as a plot vehicle, as her eating of some brownies that he made her shows that she is coming around to their relationship together, proving to be a central theme to the film and to her character.
On the other side, you have this tumultuous romance between her and another equally good looking man, who also pays no attention to his diet in the film, and yet is, of course, remarkably good looking. I can tell you as a fact that neither Pierce Brosnan or Julianne Moore eat as many sweets, processed and greasy foods as their characters do in the film--both stick to strict diet and exercise regimes that make their bodies look at their peak and make their careers fly to the top of the charts.
The romance between them is also absolutely ridiculous--they meet as opposing council in this dramatic divorce case, which in reality can be dramatic but hardly like this, and immediately war against each other while simultaneously fighting this enormous attraction to each other. On a case they are fighting each other on, they go to Ireland and attend this festival where they get totally hammered and then get married as part of the festival. Through the manipulations of other side characters and their warring professional lives, they find love and get married for reals at the end of the movie--and live happily ever after.
Of course, I always want to believe these dual fantasies that you can eat whatever junk you want and have Julianne Moore's body and that you can have this dramatic and passionate relationship with almost a complete stranger, who immediately becomes both your enemy and your lover, sparking a suddenly riveting life story, which of course ends in nothing but marital and professional bliss. And so, I am turning away from this fictional cycle of death, and trying to remind myself at all times of how absolutely absurd these fictitious lies are, and what can happen in the real world.
The Real World:
1) A strict nutritional eating plan and a thorough and committed exercise regime creates a beautiful and healthy body. Junk food makes you fat--sugar without nutrition attached to it (aka, not fruit) increases your insulin, and therefore your fat intake and retention. Processed food is also nutrition-free fat and calories, and slows down your metabolism as its unnatural properties are very difficult for your body to digest. This is how it really works, and only those with absolutely ridiculously fast metabolism can process junk foods within their bodies and not gain weight. I am not one of these people, so I must abstain. I did not last night, and I regret it. Deeply.
2) Love does not come into your life with trumpets, guns blazing, tempers rising, and passions flaring. You meet someone--a friend of a friend, a guy at a bar, someone picking out their produce--and you flirt. You exchange numbers, you go on a date, and fall in love as you get to know each other better, and see things that you like. Soulmates can exist, I think, but you have to be patient and hope that in your lifetime, you find him or her. Love at first sight is extraordinarily rare, and actually seems like a bad idea, since in reality relationships are a lot of work, and monogamy isn't exactly biologically predisposed--it is a choice to be with the same person for the rest of your life, and you have to put effort and energy into continuing to make that work, no matter how much you loved each other when you first saw each other across a crowded room. Life gets in the way: you continue your job whether you fall in love or not, you hopefully continue your friendships, you continue to have your family in your life (welcome or not, or maybe you don't), you continue to have your financial situation, continue to be in debt and continue to be in a crappy job you can't get out of. Life's daily toll occurs with or without love or romance in your life. And men aren't romantic, they aren't trained to expect someone to come into their life and take it over. And do we as women even really like that narrative? That your life is really nothing until someone else, man or woman or whatever, comes into it and just makes it glow?
3) your "glow", the life force that keeps you wanting to be alive and enjoying your days as you travel through them must come from yourself and your own choices. To be happy with your choices and happy with yourself and your life as you have made it is what makes joy expound from your life. The people you surround yourself with, what kind of job you have and how you work at it, the experiences that you have and the life that you share with others is what determines joy, NOT that you have someone else in it. Multitudes of people make your life an exciting and wonderful one--your family and how you interact with them, your friends and how you interact with them, your pets and how you interact with them. It's not all romance romance romance! And sometimes you marry for love, and you get a divorce, because the reality didn't work. It was too hard, and you didn't want to work at it. Once you got over that first initial infatuation, you didn't care enough for the person to be selfless for them. Your parents or peers when you were growing up screwed you over emotionally speaking, and you can't communicate or don't know how, or don't know what it means to share your life with someone, and too many negative experiences occur, and you can't fix what's broken anymore. It happens! I have been fortunate enough to have avoided this heartache, and only have the heartache of being perennially single. It has its own issues, believe me, but there is little I can do about it.
4) Fiction is fun. It's great to experience something completely, or even slightly, unrealistic and revel in its possibilities. Love at first sight. Life-changing decisions that happen in an instant. Happenstance encounters that turn everything around. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and that's great for those who experience them. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and turn out very, very, very badly. But it's nice to walk into a movie theater and experience something absolutely fantastic, by every definition of the word. It personally gives me hope that something similar, but much more realistic, can actually happen in my own life. It stretches the imagination, and gives me fodder for my daily, well hourly, daydreams that riddle my life and make it rich, even if within my own mind. So watch! Read! Enjoy! But remember: it's all only FICTION.
Lately I've been working on what fiction really means, and reminding myself of its definition when I experience it throughout my life. Books, movies, tv shows--they are all works of fiction, representations not of what life could be, but of what we wish life was. Mostly I've been focusing on romantic relationships in fiction, but today I've been thinking about food in fiction.
The movie "Laws of Attraction" is a perfect example of the ridiculous fictitiousness of both romance and food use. On one side, you have a gorgeous woman, mid-thirties, who wears cute little outfits and looks perfect in everything, and yet has an overt addiction to sugar and processed foods, which we all know are weight-gain foods. There is even a line in the movie about how sugar is a crutch and how the character is trying to stay away from it. Later on, sweets are used as a plot vehicle, as her eating of some brownies that he made her shows that she is coming around to their relationship together, proving to be a central theme to the film and to her character.
On the other side, you have this tumultuous romance between her and another equally good looking man, who also pays no attention to his diet in the film, and yet is, of course, remarkably good looking. I can tell you as a fact that neither Pierce Brosnan or Julianne Moore eat as many sweets, processed and greasy foods as their characters do in the film--both stick to strict diet and exercise regimes that make their bodies look at their peak and make their careers fly to the top of the charts.
The romance between them is also absolutely ridiculous--they meet as opposing council in this dramatic divorce case, which in reality can be dramatic but hardly like this, and immediately war against each other while simultaneously fighting this enormous attraction to each other. On a case they are fighting each other on, they go to Ireland and attend this festival where they get totally hammered and then get married as part of the festival. Through the manipulations of other side characters and their warring professional lives, they find love and get married for reals at the end of the movie--and live happily ever after.
Of course, I always want to believe these dual fantasies that you can eat whatever junk you want and have Julianne Moore's body and that you can have this dramatic and passionate relationship with almost a complete stranger, who immediately becomes both your enemy and your lover, sparking a suddenly riveting life story, which of course ends in nothing but marital and professional bliss. And so, I am turning away from this fictional cycle of death, and trying to remind myself at all times of how absolutely absurd these fictitious lies are, and what can happen in the real world.
The Real World:
1) A strict nutritional eating plan and a thorough and committed exercise regime creates a beautiful and healthy body. Junk food makes you fat--sugar without nutrition attached to it (aka, not fruit) increases your insulin, and therefore your fat intake and retention. Processed food is also nutrition-free fat and calories, and slows down your metabolism as its unnatural properties are very difficult for your body to digest. This is how it really works, and only those with absolutely ridiculously fast metabolism can process junk foods within their bodies and not gain weight. I am not one of these people, so I must abstain. I did not last night, and I regret it. Deeply.
2) Love does not come into your life with trumpets, guns blazing, tempers rising, and passions flaring. You meet someone--a friend of a friend, a guy at a bar, someone picking out their produce--and you flirt. You exchange numbers, you go on a date, and fall in love as you get to know each other better, and see things that you like. Soulmates can exist, I think, but you have to be patient and hope that in your lifetime, you find him or her. Love at first sight is extraordinarily rare, and actually seems like a bad idea, since in reality relationships are a lot of work, and monogamy isn't exactly biologically predisposed--it is a choice to be with the same person for the rest of your life, and you have to put effort and energy into continuing to make that work, no matter how much you loved each other when you first saw each other across a crowded room. Life gets in the way: you continue your job whether you fall in love or not, you hopefully continue your friendships, you continue to have your family in your life (welcome or not, or maybe you don't), you continue to have your financial situation, continue to be in debt and continue to be in a crappy job you can't get out of. Life's daily toll occurs with or without love or romance in your life. And men aren't romantic, they aren't trained to expect someone to come into their life and take it over. And do we as women even really like that narrative? That your life is really nothing until someone else, man or woman or whatever, comes into it and just makes it glow?
3) your "glow", the life force that keeps you wanting to be alive and enjoying your days as you travel through them must come from yourself and your own choices. To be happy with your choices and happy with yourself and your life as you have made it is what makes joy expound from your life. The people you surround yourself with, what kind of job you have and how you work at it, the experiences that you have and the life that you share with others is what determines joy, NOT that you have someone else in it. Multitudes of people make your life an exciting and wonderful one--your family and how you interact with them, your friends and how you interact with them, your pets and how you interact with them. It's not all romance romance romance! And sometimes you marry for love, and you get a divorce, because the reality didn't work. It was too hard, and you didn't want to work at it. Once you got over that first initial infatuation, you didn't care enough for the person to be selfless for them. Your parents or peers when you were growing up screwed you over emotionally speaking, and you can't communicate or don't know how, or don't know what it means to share your life with someone, and too many negative experiences occur, and you can't fix what's broken anymore. It happens! I have been fortunate enough to have avoided this heartache, and only have the heartache of being perennially single. It has its own issues, believe me, but there is little I can do about it.
4) Fiction is fun. It's great to experience something completely, or even slightly, unrealistic and revel in its possibilities. Love at first sight. Life-changing decisions that happen in an instant. Happenstance encounters that turn everything around. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and that's great for those who experience them. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and turn out very, very, very badly. But it's nice to walk into a movie theater and experience something absolutely fantastic, by every definition of the word. It personally gives me hope that something similar, but much more realistic, can actually happen in my own life. It stretches the imagination, and gives me fodder for my daily, well hourly, daydreams that riddle my life and make it rich, even if within my own mind. So watch! Read! Enjoy! But remember: it's all only FICTION.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Ever hopeful....
So this is what I want out of life:
1) Lose weight, so that life will just be easier and more fun, and in all likelihood significantly longer.
2) TRAVEL. a lot. I want to see the world, to live in a lot of different places, experiencing things for myself
3) I want to change the world. But not by having a kid, like everyone else, I really REALLY want to change the world, one thing at a time. It seems unlikely, but I at least want to try.
4) I want to make new friends, date people from all over the world, and experience relationships that never would happen in Minnesota.
5) at the very least, I want to get out of MN. I've had enough, I don't really work very well here, and I'm very tired of the passive aggression. Very, VERY tired.
Now how the flip do I make THAT happen? Someone please let me know asap. Thank you for your time, and continue on your day. :S
1) Lose weight, so that life will just be easier and more fun, and in all likelihood significantly longer.
2) TRAVEL. a lot. I want to see the world, to live in a lot of different places, experiencing things for myself
3) I want to change the world. But not by having a kid, like everyone else, I really REALLY want to change the world, one thing at a time. It seems unlikely, but I at least want to try.
4) I want to make new friends, date people from all over the world, and experience relationships that never would happen in Minnesota.
5) at the very least, I want to get out of MN. I've had enough, I don't really work very well here, and I'm very tired of the passive aggression. Very, VERY tired.
Now how the flip do I make THAT happen? Someone please let me know asap. Thank you for your time, and continue on your day. :S
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Employment
I read this article today about employment, and while I'm happy to hear that unemployment is going down, I hope that things like that news, like that article, have their proper impact as well. I've found that the state of the economy is all about what people think is going to happen. If someone thinks that the market is going to go bad, or that costs of products are going to go up, in the near future, then they will be more inclined to sell their stocks instead of buying more, or to save their money for later, when economic times are better. People get this information from the news.
The same works for employers and companies, for the decisions to hire for a position, rather than delegating the responsibilities of a position throughout people who already work for the company, come from a series of people who work in the upper ranks of a company. For a small company, those decisions are usually made by a select few people, and for a bigger company the decision usually varies from department to department, but needs approval from others above the singular department, etc. I just hope that everyone is reading this news!
I honestly believe that if the news gets around the the economy is improving, and that obviously someone must be hiring new employees for the unemployment rate to go down, then those with the responsibility of hiring will reconsider finding someone new to fill a need in the company. Positions for a new employee are made by growth in the business, a new direction in the company, a situation that requires specified skills, or even just a small addition to productivity that all each create a need to be filled. However, when money is tight companies will often opt to distribute the needs throughout the company for already employed workers to fill. When things are doing well, companies will hire new members in order to fill those needs. Therefore, when evidence is available that other companies are beginning to hire newbies instead of distribute needs, then more companies start to think "well, if someone out there is doing well, maybe we can hire another person or so over here", and the populous in general begins to relax and loosen the purse strings a little.
Then, once more spending goes on, the economy thrives, since it is able to receive and then distribute the income from consumers. Basically, we are all spending money in one way in order to receive money from a paycheck that comes from somewhere else. Of course, it is through an intense structure of supply and demand and cost effectiveness and lots of other business principles, but the basics are still the same: if you spend more money out there in the world at Target or Macy's or JCPenny or TJMaxx or wherever you shop, then the economy thrives and more opportunities for work appear on the market.
So Big Business: pay attention! We're doing better, start hiring! I need a real job!!!!
The same works for employers and companies, for the decisions to hire for a position, rather than delegating the responsibilities of a position throughout people who already work for the company, come from a series of people who work in the upper ranks of a company. For a small company, those decisions are usually made by a select few people, and for a bigger company the decision usually varies from department to department, but needs approval from others above the singular department, etc. I just hope that everyone is reading this news!
I honestly believe that if the news gets around the the economy is improving, and that obviously someone must be hiring new employees for the unemployment rate to go down, then those with the responsibility of hiring will reconsider finding someone new to fill a need in the company. Positions for a new employee are made by growth in the business, a new direction in the company, a situation that requires specified skills, or even just a small addition to productivity that all each create a need to be filled. However, when money is tight companies will often opt to distribute the needs throughout the company for already employed workers to fill. When things are doing well, companies will hire new members in order to fill those needs. Therefore, when evidence is available that other companies are beginning to hire newbies instead of distribute needs, then more companies start to think "well, if someone out there is doing well, maybe we can hire another person or so over here", and the populous in general begins to relax and loosen the purse strings a little.
Then, once more spending goes on, the economy thrives, since it is able to receive and then distribute the income from consumers. Basically, we are all spending money in one way in order to receive money from a paycheck that comes from somewhere else. Of course, it is through an intense structure of supply and demand and cost effectiveness and lots of other business principles, but the basics are still the same: if you spend more money out there in the world at Target or Macy's or JCPenny or TJMaxx or wherever you shop, then the economy thrives and more opportunities for work appear on the market.
So Big Business: pay attention! We're doing better, start hiring! I need a real job!!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Argentinian Charm
The International Film Festival in my city has begun! Actually, it began a week ago, but I wasn't paying attention and decided to just pretend that it hadn't happened. But I am embracing it now!
Last night I watched an incredible movie, Music On Hold, that I simply adored. Most of the films in international film festivals are full of dark themes--mafia, murder, theft, disappointment, soul-searching trauma, rape, what have you. The films are often fantastic--stupendously written and shot and acted, and such a pleasure to experience as they are often so different from what I usually watch.
However, this year, I made a promise to myself. Personally it's been a hard year for me, and I decided that any dark or depressing films, anything that would leave me hating the world instead of loving it, would be exempt from my international film festival experience.
So last night I watched an Argentinian romantic comedy.
It starts with a quiet, frustrated composer, trying the best he can to write for a film, but coming up short and cliched. He listens to some on hold music, falls in love with it, and then randomly becomes entangled in a drama with a pregnant woman working at the bank, and her mother who has come from Spain to visit. It sounds so complicated, and yet its complexity is utterly charming. Apparently it is a huge hit in Argentina, which I totally believe, and I'm trying to figure out how I can get a copy of my own. So delightful!
It is one of those movies that we in the US have been trying to make for years now, attempting to recapture the glory of the Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks 90s romance, and yet failing at every turn. Some succeed, but most just aren't that great. Nothing that truly captures your heart and your spirit, and makes you believe in the beauty of the universe and all its random eccentricities despite all the horrors that also exist within it. i haven't had that experience in so long! And to have had it last night, with silly comedy, random tie-ins, and delightful side characters, I was absolutely entranced.
I have recently come to believe that a movie is made of it's side-plots. The main story in Failure to Launch, I must admit, was terrible--they were all more than a little silly. But the side plot with two favorites of mine was delightful! So random, so silly, so strange and fun. I would say the same for Music On Hold. Because it let go of the need to keep within a formula, but simply let the situation play out as naturally as possible, it was so thrilling and charming to watch unfold, to experience the situation as it was in its best moments.
If you can find it, I would highly recommend it.
Last night I watched an incredible movie, Music On Hold, that I simply adored. Most of the films in international film festivals are full of dark themes--mafia, murder, theft, disappointment, soul-searching trauma, rape, what have you. The films are often fantastic--stupendously written and shot and acted, and such a pleasure to experience as they are often so different from what I usually watch.
However, this year, I made a promise to myself. Personally it's been a hard year for me, and I decided that any dark or depressing films, anything that would leave me hating the world instead of loving it, would be exempt from my international film festival experience.
So last night I watched an Argentinian romantic comedy.
It starts with a quiet, frustrated composer, trying the best he can to write for a film, but coming up short and cliched. He listens to some on hold music, falls in love with it, and then randomly becomes entangled in a drama with a pregnant woman working at the bank, and her mother who has come from Spain to visit. It sounds so complicated, and yet its complexity is utterly charming. Apparently it is a huge hit in Argentina, which I totally believe, and I'm trying to figure out how I can get a copy of my own. So delightful!
It is one of those movies that we in the US have been trying to make for years now, attempting to recapture the glory of the Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks 90s romance, and yet failing at every turn. Some succeed, but most just aren't that great. Nothing that truly captures your heart and your spirit, and makes you believe in the beauty of the universe and all its random eccentricities despite all the horrors that also exist within it. i haven't had that experience in so long! And to have had it last night, with silly comedy, random tie-ins, and delightful side characters, I was absolutely entranced.
I have recently come to believe that a movie is made of it's side-plots. The main story in Failure to Launch, I must admit, was terrible--they were all more than a little silly. But the side plot with two favorites of mine was delightful! So random, so silly, so strange and fun. I would say the same for Music On Hold. Because it let go of the need to keep within a formula, but simply let the situation play out as naturally as possible, it was so thrilling and charming to watch unfold, to experience the situation as it was in its best moments.
If you can find it, I would highly recommend it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Money Money Money
Today I found this article in USA Today, and I was really surprised and impressed by it--and found it to be quite true myself!
Ever since I found sale racks and realized you could get the same thing for less money, I have been wondering why people pay full price. Some people I know simply like the experience better, and are willing to pay for it. They maybe won't go to a JCPenny or a Marshalls for their shopping, but I can't imagine myself simply shelling out twice or three times as much money for something at Macy's when I can get it for less!
The coupon thing has taken over since the recession hit a couple of years ago, and I'm not surprised that people are taking a deeper look into their spending. The article also mentioned the aging baby-boomers who experienced the depression, and are still thrifty because of it. I think we might be headed in the same direction! I know that my attention to a dollar here or a dollar there has increased, and that $5 can go a long way if you spend it right.
If you save $1 on ten different occasions, that's $10 that you've saved and can buy you something else, or stay in your savings for something in the future. It isn't always easy, but I think as a nation we are finding out how to use our money better.
I often find myself wondering what this means for the economy. Although it can seem backwards to the everyday consumer, spending is good for the overall economy. The more you spend, the more sales companies have, and the more they can spend getting products back to you, or more importantly giving back to the community. If Target, for example, has some sort of community outreach program that provides economic assistance to a school or community, where do you think that money comes from? From the money you just spent on their groceries or swimsuits or whatever. It comes from you!
I wonder whether businesses, and therefore the economy in general, can simply readjust and reevaluate, find a new way to make things happen, or if a lot of good, but not necessarily inexpensive to consume, businesses will simply fail. In Minneapolis, Burch Pharmacy is closing after more than half a century of good, local service and delightful neighborhood charm. Out it goes!
Will we ever figure it out?
Ever since I found sale racks and realized you could get the same thing for less money, I have been wondering why people pay full price. Some people I know simply like the experience better, and are willing to pay for it. They maybe won't go to a JCPenny or a Marshalls for their shopping, but I can't imagine myself simply shelling out twice or three times as much money for something at Macy's when I can get it for less!
The coupon thing has taken over since the recession hit a couple of years ago, and I'm not surprised that people are taking a deeper look into their spending. The article also mentioned the aging baby-boomers who experienced the depression, and are still thrifty because of it. I think we might be headed in the same direction! I know that my attention to a dollar here or a dollar there has increased, and that $5 can go a long way if you spend it right.
If you save $1 on ten different occasions, that's $10 that you've saved and can buy you something else, or stay in your savings for something in the future. It isn't always easy, but I think as a nation we are finding out how to use our money better.
I often find myself wondering what this means for the economy. Although it can seem backwards to the everyday consumer, spending is good for the overall economy. The more you spend, the more sales companies have, and the more they can spend getting products back to you, or more importantly giving back to the community. If Target, for example, has some sort of community outreach program that provides economic assistance to a school or community, where do you think that money comes from? From the money you just spent on their groceries or swimsuits or whatever. It comes from you!
I wonder whether businesses, and therefore the economy in general, can simply readjust and reevaluate, find a new way to make things happen, or if a lot of good, but not necessarily inexpensive to consume, businesses will simply fail. In Minneapolis, Burch Pharmacy is closing after more than half a century of good, local service and delightful neighborhood charm. Out it goes!
Will we ever figure it out?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Nuclear Nearby
So today i'm reading the news on my ipod touch as usual, and I come across this story about contingency plans for a Nuclear Attack.
I didn't get very far--I'll admit I was interrupted by a friend happening to join me for lunch--but I was shocked and saddened to see that these government officials seem to believe that a nuclear attack is in our near future--as in, in the next 50 years or so. Somewhere in the next century, we will have another attack killing millions, spreading radiation, and perhaps destroying a nation.
It sucks! What's so weird is that all I could think about was this episode of Golden Girls about the Cold War that was going on at the time. In the show, Rose writes this letter about the promise of nuclear war always heavy in the air, and how her girl scouts (or whatever they were) are so concerned that they won't make it; that they won't survive what is sure to come. It ends up being funny, of course, because her letter is mistaken for a child's, but in so many ways the same fears are coming to light today.
I recently did research for the 80s political climate for a TV series I'm working on, and I was so upset to write updates of the Cold War, to see how much fear was generated just, it seems, for the sake of ego or in order to name on final, ultimate powerful country on the planet. Greater and greater threats seem like fights with my sister: we keep one-upping each other, always thinking that the other one started it, but never really knowing who was the initiator, and of course it doesn't really matter. An ego squabble multiplied by billions, and incorporating millions of lives in the booty of who gets to win. If winning means killing, then I don't think it's ever winning.
Of course, terrorism is a different story. If I remember my education correctly (which I fully admit that I may not), Islamic terrorists often see us as not being human--as not being like them. They believe that we deserve to be massacred, and can justify to themselves and their supporters a million times over why this isn't murder, and why it's so intrinsically important that complete strangers, living completely different lives, die for this cause. They think their cause is worth as many lives as it takes to make a point.
Personally, I disagree. All I can do is love them, and hope they see our love as real enough to stop from killing us. And wonder what it could take, what could possibly happen to these martyrs that makes them willing to kill, and die, for it? And again I am reminded of Anne Frank, and the holocaust.
Once humanity has been stripped away, how can you give it back?
I didn't get very far--I'll admit I was interrupted by a friend happening to join me for lunch--but I was shocked and saddened to see that these government officials seem to believe that a nuclear attack is in our near future--as in, in the next 50 years or so. Somewhere in the next century, we will have another attack killing millions, spreading radiation, and perhaps destroying a nation.
It sucks! What's so weird is that all I could think about was this episode of Golden Girls about the Cold War that was going on at the time. In the show, Rose writes this letter about the promise of nuclear war always heavy in the air, and how her girl scouts (or whatever they were) are so concerned that they won't make it; that they won't survive what is sure to come. It ends up being funny, of course, because her letter is mistaken for a child's, but in so many ways the same fears are coming to light today.
I recently did research for the 80s political climate for a TV series I'm working on, and I was so upset to write updates of the Cold War, to see how much fear was generated just, it seems, for the sake of ego or in order to name on final, ultimate powerful country on the planet. Greater and greater threats seem like fights with my sister: we keep one-upping each other, always thinking that the other one started it, but never really knowing who was the initiator, and of course it doesn't really matter. An ego squabble multiplied by billions, and incorporating millions of lives in the booty of who gets to win. If winning means killing, then I don't think it's ever winning.
Of course, terrorism is a different story. If I remember my education correctly (which I fully admit that I may not), Islamic terrorists often see us as not being human--as not being like them. They believe that we deserve to be massacred, and can justify to themselves and their supporters a million times over why this isn't murder, and why it's so intrinsically important that complete strangers, living completely different lives, die for this cause. They think their cause is worth as many lives as it takes to make a point.
Personally, I disagree. All I can do is love them, and hope they see our love as real enough to stop from killing us. And wonder what it could take, what could possibly happen to these martyrs that makes them willing to kill, and die, for it? And again I am reminded of Anne Frank, and the holocaust.
Once humanity has been stripped away, how can you give it back?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Diary of a Young Girl
So last night I watched PBS' new Diary of Anne Frank, and cried like a little girl. It was so fascinating to watch her develop over time, and to remember my feelings and transformations as I turned 13, 14, and 15, and then to watch her experience all of this, all while trapped in with her family and these relative strangers. I loved the little romance that bloomed between her and Peter, and then watch it disappear as she grows even more, and grows to love writing. I looked her up on Wikipedia, and was sad to learn that only weeks after her death would she have been saved.
They were actually found and interned after D Day, which is upsetting. In the program, they're all waiting to be saved, hoping each day that the Allies will reach them, that they will survive and the girls can go back to school and they can resume a life, free from persecution for being Jewish. It's insane to realize that they were in there for two whole years. How horrifying. In a way, before they got to the camps and faced their unjust fate, it must have been nice to breathe fresh air again.
It makes me feel so incredibly grateful for everything I have. A mother and father that love me, the privilege of everything in my life, material things as well as advantages and opportunities that others don't have. Family and friends who care, good times I'll remember in my old age--the opportunity to grow to an old age.
I also often find myself wondering about death and the afterlife when I experience stories such as this one. Does she know that we think about her? Does she know, somewhere, wherever she is, that we hear her story and that it has become a beacon for the holocaust sympathy? That small children can begin to understand the power and tragedy of such horror, and because of her put themselves in the place of those who suffered before us? That she is a part of the prevention of another genocide? The same situations are coming upon us again--racism, conservativism, etc. People will always find reasons to blame others for their troubles, and try to punish them for being different. People fear, and people aren't smart. But I always hold the dearest hope that Anne Frank, her story and the power of her experience, will bring to light the importance of staying away from that. Of realizing that just because they're different, doesn't mean that they're not human. I am human, and so are you. Please don't make me live in a small, secret annex for two years, and lead me to my death. Avoiding that would be nice.
They were actually found and interned after D Day, which is upsetting. In the program, they're all waiting to be saved, hoping each day that the Allies will reach them, that they will survive and the girls can go back to school and they can resume a life, free from persecution for being Jewish. It's insane to realize that they were in there for two whole years. How horrifying. In a way, before they got to the camps and faced their unjust fate, it must have been nice to breathe fresh air again.
It makes me feel so incredibly grateful for everything I have. A mother and father that love me, the privilege of everything in my life, material things as well as advantages and opportunities that others don't have. Family and friends who care, good times I'll remember in my old age--the opportunity to grow to an old age.
I also often find myself wondering about death and the afterlife when I experience stories such as this one. Does she know that we think about her? Does she know, somewhere, wherever she is, that we hear her story and that it has become a beacon for the holocaust sympathy? That small children can begin to understand the power and tragedy of such horror, and because of her put themselves in the place of those who suffered before us? That she is a part of the prevention of another genocide? The same situations are coming upon us again--racism, conservativism, etc. People will always find reasons to blame others for their troubles, and try to punish them for being different. People fear, and people aren't smart. But I always hold the dearest hope that Anne Frank, her story and the power of her experience, will bring to light the importance of staying away from that. Of realizing that just because they're different, doesn't mean that they're not human. I am human, and so are you. Please don't make me live in a small, secret annex for two years, and lead me to my death. Avoiding that would be nice.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Female Directors
I remember years ago, when Waitress came out, starring Kari Russel, and it was unique and interesting, and so plainly and beautifully shot, exposing characters and revealing human truths. And I thought, the time is coming. She's just beginning and she may change the world.
And then, Adrienne Shelley was brutally murdered for no known reason, and her light, spirit, and talent left the world. I was crushed and heartbroken, knowing what kind of experiences she could have shared with the world, but has chosen not to.
And today, I saw this:
Vera Farmiga to Direct Adaptation of 'This Dark World'
I don't know if it will change anything, but seeing more and more women working behind the scenes, paving the way for my hopeful future, makes my heart fill with joy! I hope she makes the exact kind of movie that she wants to see, and creates a delicious experience for us to be a part of.
I hope she can muster a way to change the world--they will keep trying to take it away from us, but we ladies have to get behind the camera and make it happen!
And then, Adrienne Shelley was brutally murdered for no known reason, and her light, spirit, and talent left the world. I was crushed and heartbroken, knowing what kind of experiences she could have shared with the world, but has chosen not to.
And today, I saw this:
Vera Farmiga to Direct Adaptation of 'This Dark World'
I don't know if it will change anything, but seeing more and more women working behind the scenes, paving the way for my hopeful future, makes my heart fill with joy! I hope she makes the exact kind of movie that she wants to see, and creates a delicious experience for us to be a part of.
I hope she can muster a way to change the world--they will keep trying to take it away from us, but we ladies have to get behind the camera and make it happen!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Flying Tiger
I recently read this article in the paper version, and thought it was tremendously interesting, showing how one person's life situation so determines adult character:
Tiger Woods's Inconvenient Women
I find it fascinating how Tiger Woods never seemed to gain any sense of propriety OR of simple, basic empathy. It's a crude article, but I appreciate its honesty in baring the truth of Woods' life behind the very firm and quiet exterior he exuded for the public eye. Everyone likes a family man, and so that's what they made him, creating a double life.
It's very clear to me from this article that Woods was never taught the very basic lessons of empathy and consideration from those around him. In our early development years, pre-teen and teen, we are all taught the hard way what happens when you constantly place your needs above anyone else's without any consideration for the other people in your life--you end up alone and unhappy since no one likes you. It's not a fun lesson, always, but it's how the world works. Then, into your 20s you build relationships, hopefully in a healthy way with equal give and take from both sides.
Tiger Woods, on the other hand, never knew one second of this. At a young age he was adored for his talent, then later for his wealth and fame, meaning that he could treat people however he wanted, putting his needs no matter their import at #1. And everyone would stick around, just to get a piece of the fame pie, or out of blind adoration to his talent. If anyone stopped hanging out with him, there was always someone else to replace them, waiting in the wings for a chance to hang with Tiger.
The arrogance that has carried him into adulthood was also evident in the article, demonstrating how he had been able to get away with everything and wasn't about to stop now.
He demanded so much, and gave nothing in return, and yet because of his name or the hopes for future financial rewards, women who had very little to gain from the relationship kept coming to him. I can see how he began to see himself as impervious, acting in any way convenient to him without any regard for the situation of anyone he was involved with. This arrogance was encouraged time and again by the multitude of fans who poured out their adoration to a man they really knew nothing about and by the people around him, close to him, who gave him everything he wanted without ever challenging his behavior as would be normal in any other social situation.
Piled on top of this treatment throughout his character-building years in social development (I'd say ages 13 to 20?) was his father's behavior: no-apologies infidelity, public drunkenness, lewd behavior without any restraint for the impact he might be having on his son. And so, a total asshole was made. No one stopped him, no one checked him, no one punished him enough.
Throughout our socialization, most human beings are punished for their inappropriate, unfeeling, selfish, or arrogant actions. They either end up in a fight, or end up alone. Your friend lacks empathy when you tell him or her a story, you maybe don't talk to them for a couple of days. In high school, a friend lies to you or talks behind your back, you stop the friendship even though you see theme every day at school. No one did this for him--they treated him like a god, athletic manna from heaven shining fame on a sport that had been lost to old drunks ages before.
And is it really a wonder, that after such bad treatment, the women he's screwed and dumped are rushing to come forward, eager to share what an asshole he really is?
Tiger Woods's Inconvenient Women
I find it fascinating how Tiger Woods never seemed to gain any sense of propriety OR of simple, basic empathy. It's a crude article, but I appreciate its honesty in baring the truth of Woods' life behind the very firm and quiet exterior he exuded for the public eye. Everyone likes a family man, and so that's what they made him, creating a double life.
It's very clear to me from this article that Woods was never taught the very basic lessons of empathy and consideration from those around him. In our early development years, pre-teen and teen, we are all taught the hard way what happens when you constantly place your needs above anyone else's without any consideration for the other people in your life--you end up alone and unhappy since no one likes you. It's not a fun lesson, always, but it's how the world works. Then, into your 20s you build relationships, hopefully in a healthy way with equal give and take from both sides.
Tiger Woods, on the other hand, never knew one second of this. At a young age he was adored for his talent, then later for his wealth and fame, meaning that he could treat people however he wanted, putting his needs no matter their import at #1. And everyone would stick around, just to get a piece of the fame pie, or out of blind adoration to his talent. If anyone stopped hanging out with him, there was always someone else to replace them, waiting in the wings for a chance to hang with Tiger.
The arrogance that has carried him into adulthood was also evident in the article, demonstrating how he had been able to get away with everything and wasn't about to stop now.
He demanded so much, and gave nothing in return, and yet because of his name or the hopes for future financial rewards, women who had very little to gain from the relationship kept coming to him. I can see how he began to see himself as impervious, acting in any way convenient to him without any regard for the situation of anyone he was involved with. This arrogance was encouraged time and again by the multitude of fans who poured out their adoration to a man they really knew nothing about and by the people around him, close to him, who gave him everything he wanted without ever challenging his behavior as would be normal in any other social situation.
Piled on top of this treatment throughout his character-building years in social development (I'd say ages 13 to 20?) was his father's behavior: no-apologies infidelity, public drunkenness, lewd behavior without any restraint for the impact he might be having on his son. And so, a total asshole was made. No one stopped him, no one checked him, no one punished him enough.
Throughout our socialization, most human beings are punished for their inappropriate, unfeeling, selfish, or arrogant actions. They either end up in a fight, or end up alone. Your friend lacks empathy when you tell him or her a story, you maybe don't talk to them for a couple of days. In high school, a friend lies to you or talks behind your back, you stop the friendship even though you see theme every day at school. No one did this for him--they treated him like a god, athletic manna from heaven shining fame on a sport that had been lost to old drunks ages before.
And is it really a wonder, that after such bad treatment, the women he's screwed and dumped are rushing to come forward, eager to share what an asshole he really is?
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