Marriage

Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, but not as something that I want to do for myself or anything like that, just about the institution as a whole.

First of all, isn't it strange that we call this relationship between two people an entire institution? I guess when you put all marriages together and put them within the spectrum of society's stability, etc, it can become an institution, but I find that rather strange.

I honestly find it unlikely that I will ever get married. I have never dated anyone or anything, and although for most of my life I have wanted to, lately I haven't really felt the urge. Almost as if I finally realized the only reason I wanted to date someone was because everyone else is doing it. It just seems like a stupid reason to do something. I like my life, and it's a good one. I think having a co-pilot would be fun, but I'm really starting to love the fact that I am right now responsible to no one.

I don't have to take care of anyone but myself, or include anyone but myself in my plans. I can make my own decisions, and choose who I involve in them--I can tell my parents, sister, or friends however much I choose, or leave them out completely without feeling any sense of guilt. I do honestly think that the patriarchal roots, and romance in media, have all converged to make us believe that a life mate is the sole reason for living, and in many ways the only way to be truly, completely happy. I don't think this is necessarily true.

I also believe that things are just meant to be, that life is a balance between what actions you take, including what you really want to do, what you force yourself to do, and what you decide not to do. I guess lately I've just decided to do what I want to do, including things that scare the pants off me, and do what I know must be done, even if I don't want to do it. I want to grow up, and be an adult. And I want to stop childishly forcing myself into the type of person that I think guys are looking for.

I've always tried to be "that girl." The girl that everyone loves, the girl that everyone wants to date, the girl that everyone wants to be friends with. Guess what, people? That person is NOT me. I am tempestuous, conflicted, passionate, and can be abrasive. I obsess and get upset, I get pissed off at stupid things and have minor breakdowns for no particular reason. These are not the actions of a fantastical, perfect girl that everyone is in love with. No one is really like that, even!
Whenever I think of "that girl", a friend of mine, M, always comes to mind. To me she has always been "that girl"--the perfect girl-next-door, completely attractive, inside and out, and completely lovable, totally easy to love. I have always wanted to be more like her. And I think I might have actually figured out her secret--something that I think I have been told all my life, but have never really figured out or found the courage to follow. Be yourself, no matter what. And what I truly discovered, is that means relaxing. Stop worrying if you're attractive, stop worrying if anyone likes you, stop worrying if things are going alright. Just go do things, and be confident about it. This is who you are, and this is what you're doing. And anyone against you can suck it.

Anyway, I think if I'm meant to marry, if that's what God and The Universe want for me, then I will get married. These things happen when you least expect them, when you're totally focused on something else, and I think when you are your most honest self. I don't know if I will ever get married. If I find someone fantastic--who loves my pouts and my tempers, who loves to travel with me, and will let me be the leader--then I think it's a good idea. But until then, I think I'm fine on my own. And unlike my friend M, who always has a man by her side, I think I do better without them.

Some people do better with others, they are their best selves when someone is at their side. Some others, like me, are their best selves when they maintain their standards and stand up on their own. I guess...I'm good enough on my own! Go me!