True Love ???

ALthough lately I've left my ideals of true, perfect love in a pretty, pristine bubble behind, I find that I still wish that someone truly, completely loved me.

I watched this cute thing on pbs last night: www.pbs.org/pov/dannyandannie , which made me sob like a baby, and realize that true love really does exist.
My parents always seemed so happy and although they weren't extraordinarily affectionate about their love for one another, nor declared their love to each other every day, I believed in their love, and saw that it was real and that it could exist.
Later in life I learned how their relationship was very different than it appeared, and I think that's when I began to question what love was really about. Over a year ago, my sister got married to the best guy in the world, in my humble opinion, and while I love him and am so happy for them, I'm unsure whether that will ever happen for me.

What really breaks my heart is that I'd still like it to. I'd still love to wake up in the morning, and have someone be happy to see me there with them. I'd love to have someone in my life who can handle being around me, all the time. Who isn't afraid to see my at my worst, or my craziest, and who will still say, at the end of everything, "I love you because of this, not inspite of it."

At the same time, I know it's too much to hope for, and too unrealistic to exist. But I want it to. I want to have hope. I want to believe that some part of this fairy tale can exist in real life. It won't be a fairy tale every day, and it won't ever be anywhere near perfect.
But to have something like that, and no matter how impossible it is, or he is, to still never ever want to take it back, to never want it any other way. To love someone so much that taking everything they dish out to you is so much better than being without all the good things they provide, too.

Maybe love, or even true love, isn't in my future. Maybe it's not meant for me. Maybe talking about it and thinking about it completely jinxes it so that it never happens until I get over it. I don't know. And that's what kills me about this life crap: I Do Not Know. I don't know what's in it for me!

Sometimes I long for those crappy days when I didn't really like my life, but I knew what was coming next. School, more school, and then, I guess, a job. Now everything is up in the air, and although I love the power of choice, I wish I knew what choice I was supposed to make. My friends tell me to just keep trying, and I will, but it would still be nice to know all the same.

Maybe just knowing that it exists, even if I don't experience it for myself, is enough.
After all the jealousy, hate, cruelty, and evil that Pandora released from her box, the last of all was hope. I guess since that's all I have right now, that's all I need.