Although I love to see the people around me give and receive love, sometimes it's just disgusting how everyone seems to be coupling up around me. Especially this time of year, when everyone gets a little sweeter and a little more romantic, due to the holidays, and a little more snuggly, due to the cold, it sucks to see everyone around me coupling up!
I know there are friends of mine who, like me, remain single and still shaken as to how to get to know other people, but it's a frustrating thing. I think of my friend J, who always seems to find a man at every turn, and has had a boyfriend for a couple of months now. But then I think of friends like M, K, R, and A that all are without a partner, and have been for some time just like me! And then I start considering match.com, and it all goes downhill. Who wants to do that, and go through endless, meaningless dates? But also, what are the chances of meeting someone at a grocery store and really hitting it off?
I've always believed in fate, that some things are just meant to happen no matter what, and that in so many ways choice has nothing to do with it, but you also have to make choices in life. you have to say yes to some things, and no to other things, and find a way to reconcile your decisions with your life. You have to find a way to make the kinds of decisions that make you happy to be in your life. And somehow, those decisions are supposed to lead you to your destiny.
I've been thinking that I just have to start having a positive attitude about my destiny. I've always thought of it as this thing that happens to me, no matter what I do, but I'm starting to think that's false. I think destiny is something that happens when you make choices, choices based on your wants, needs, and attitude on life. I'm starting to wonder if I don't secretly make my destiny happen with my thinking--if I believe that good things will happen to me, that I have a great destiny, even though I have no idea what it is or where it will lead me, then maybe my destiny really will be great. I just don't know, I guess...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Weight Loss
Man it is so HARD to focus on losing weight, making sure I get in my greens and my workout, making sure I stay motivated, and making sure I don't totally kill myself trying to get everything done. It's a workout just to stay motivated!
PeerTrainer has really helped, giving me support and motivation online exactly when I need it. It's so useful, and been such a great resource for me. To see others going through the six-week challenge fighting against disease and the pull of addictive, toxic foods has been amazing. And to finally have people who know what I'm talking about when I say ETL, and all that it encompasses.
It's been great to receive the motivational emails, too, since they remind me of why it's so important to stay healthy, and how much I get out of it when I commit to it. It's so easy to succumb to my surroundings, so easy to just give in to what everyone else is doing or eating or drinking, and so much more work to remember why I'm doing this, what it means, and that it really does work if I commit to it.
I was in Nordstrom's last week, trying on clothes for work that my mother was going to buy me. It was such a wonderful day, and so many great opportunities for beautiful items to be housed in my closet at the end of the day. Except for one problem--hardly anything fit the way I wanted it to. It was all a little snug, a little tight here, a little too close there, and maybe even a little too difficult to button! The saleslady was extraordinarily nice, and made it a pleasant experience, but by the end of the day I knew I needed to make a change. Something needed to be different, I swear! So I started back on the plan, which meant saying goodbye to some foods that I love, and are so easy to get into my body (especially by eating out), but that I know aren't good for me.
And so it began, and now, just a little over a week later, the clothes that I bought fit properly. They're comfortable and wearable, and some of the clothes that have been in my closet are starting to get too big! Call the tailor, we need to get these suckers taken in!
What's also been great about PT is that I really get to express my joy about a situation, and get support for my situation as well. They encourage me to stay strong, and they encourage me to stick with it. It's not easy, I'll grant you that, but they remind me how much better life is when I make this change--and that it is possible to make a whole-life change for the better. For the rest of your life!
I think there was always this thought in the back of my mind that said "once you lose the weight, then you can eat whatever you want!" and was always trying to get to that. Guess what, folks, the blindfold has come off, and I'm sorry to say that statement is false. FALSE!!! I have to stick to a healthy, veggie-rich diet for the rest of my life. A year ago, that horrified me. I never get to go back to the life of food luxury again? But what about cake? But now I feel like I recognize that cake can be there, but doesn't have to be there every day. Thai food can be there, but has to be accompanied by a good workout, and healthy eating surrounding that one step outside my rules. It's ok! The world won't end. But I will stick to veggies for the rest of my life, or pay the consequences. Go me! :)
PeerTrainer has really helped, giving me support and motivation online exactly when I need it. It's so useful, and been such a great resource for me. To see others going through the six-week challenge fighting against disease and the pull of addictive, toxic foods has been amazing. And to finally have people who know what I'm talking about when I say ETL, and all that it encompasses.
It's been great to receive the motivational emails, too, since they remind me of why it's so important to stay healthy, and how much I get out of it when I commit to it. It's so easy to succumb to my surroundings, so easy to just give in to what everyone else is doing or eating or drinking, and so much more work to remember why I'm doing this, what it means, and that it really does work if I commit to it.
I was in Nordstrom's last week, trying on clothes for work that my mother was going to buy me. It was such a wonderful day, and so many great opportunities for beautiful items to be housed in my closet at the end of the day. Except for one problem--hardly anything fit the way I wanted it to. It was all a little snug, a little tight here, a little too close there, and maybe even a little too difficult to button! The saleslady was extraordinarily nice, and made it a pleasant experience, but by the end of the day I knew I needed to make a change. Something needed to be different, I swear! So I started back on the plan, which meant saying goodbye to some foods that I love, and are so easy to get into my body (especially by eating out), but that I know aren't good for me.
And so it began, and now, just a little over a week later, the clothes that I bought fit properly. They're comfortable and wearable, and some of the clothes that have been in my closet are starting to get too big! Call the tailor, we need to get these suckers taken in!
What's also been great about PT is that I really get to express my joy about a situation, and get support for my situation as well. They encourage me to stay strong, and they encourage me to stick with it. It's not easy, I'll grant you that, but they remind me how much better life is when I make this change--and that it is possible to make a whole-life change for the better. For the rest of your life!
I think there was always this thought in the back of my mind that said "once you lose the weight, then you can eat whatever you want!" and was always trying to get to that. Guess what, folks, the blindfold has come off, and I'm sorry to say that statement is false. FALSE!!! I have to stick to a healthy, veggie-rich diet for the rest of my life. A year ago, that horrified me. I never get to go back to the life of food luxury again? But what about cake? But now I feel like I recognize that cake can be there, but doesn't have to be there every day. Thai food can be there, but has to be accompanied by a good workout, and healthy eating surrounding that one step outside my rules. It's ok! The world won't end. But I will stick to veggies for the rest of my life, or pay the consequences. Go me! :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
The Fear
So I'm reading this book about how to live a life without fear, and in my excitement, posted on facebook "If I'm scared to do it, I HAVE to do it. Who's with me?" and I was all excited for what people might post in return--what things they were scared to do, how they would help me do what I'm scared to do, etc.
Instead I got a post from a woman who I am actually beginning to loathe--a woman who posted "I've been doing this for years, congrats on taking the first step", which to me sounded so demeaning that I absolutely had to delete my original post, just to get rid of her disgusting behavior. This is a person who acted as if her brother getting leg surgery was the same thing as my 80-year-old father being indefinitely hospitalized for pneumonia. This is someone who has made me feel so emotionally victimized that I actually despise seeing her succeed. I know I should be the bigger person, and in some way celebrate her success, but I simply cannot.
Good for her that she has everything figured out. Good for her that she can look down upon me in my attempts to make my life better, and act as if she doesn't have any issues of her own. I know you, bitch! I know that you had to file for bankruptcy. I know that you dated an asshole for years and let him emotionally abuse you, and I know that you are in love with someone that you work with who you will never tell. So there, bitch! You have your issues, and I have mine, Stop pretending that you're better than me, stop pretending that somehow your personal and professional experiences have more value than mine, and stop pretending that everything that I do is somehow paltry in comparison to what you have done.
You can suck it!!!!
Instead I got a post from a woman who I am actually beginning to loathe--a woman who posted "I've been doing this for years, congrats on taking the first step", which to me sounded so demeaning that I absolutely had to delete my original post, just to get rid of her disgusting behavior. This is a person who acted as if her brother getting leg surgery was the same thing as my 80-year-old father being indefinitely hospitalized for pneumonia. This is someone who has made me feel so emotionally victimized that I actually despise seeing her succeed. I know I should be the bigger person, and in some way celebrate her success, but I simply cannot.
Good for her that she has everything figured out. Good for her that she can look down upon me in my attempts to make my life better, and act as if she doesn't have any issues of her own. I know you, bitch! I know that you had to file for bankruptcy. I know that you dated an asshole for years and let him emotionally abuse you, and I know that you are in love with someone that you work with who you will never tell. So there, bitch! You have your issues, and I have mine, Stop pretending that you're better than me, stop pretending that somehow your personal and professional experiences have more value than mine, and stop pretending that everything that I do is somehow paltry in comparison to what you have done.
You can suck it!!!!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Smoking and its Advertising
Today I read an article from USAToday.com about the new packaging that the FDA will be putting together for cigarette packages, to more harshly depict the negative effects of smoking, including images of cancer, etc.
I think that this is a great idea. Smoking not only kills, but is of course disgusting, smelly, icky, and tastes horrible. Kissing a smoker is entirely unpleasant, and I'm glad that the number of smokers is going down. Everyone knows it's bad for you, and yet addiction has claimed so many.
However, what annoys me is the continued sale of cigarettes despite all we know about their damaging properties.
I remember in one of my health classes, seeing a picture of a healthy, normal lung, and then right next to it an image of a diseased lung, an exercise much like Page 26 of the examples of the Product Warning Labels that the FDA is putting together.
I remember looking at that image, and being disgusted that someone could do that to their body, and simply thinking how wrong it was, how completely unhealthy and destructive it looked, just to have black insides instead of pink. It seemed devilish to me then, almost as if smoking was letting evil reside inside your body. Even now, whenever someone asks me about smoking, or even when a friend smokes around me and I politely ask them to move away or blow the smoke elsewhere, I remind them that I like my lungs pink.
Right around that time, still thinking about this lesson, I remember with almost crystal memory resolution the conversation we had in the car that day, searching for a spot in the tight rush-hour frenzied lot. It must have been winter, because it was cold and the memory has dankness scratched on the surface:
"Mom, if smoking is so bad, why can you still do it? Why don't they make people stop doing it?"
"Because tobacco production is a big part of the economy, and if they made it illegal, the whole economy could break down."
I always remember that as my first realization of the dark horrible mess that the world was, my first foray into adult conceptualization, where those days of "it's bad so you can't do it" are gone, and childhood remains a memory. Even though everyone knows that smoking a cigarette will eventually kill you, it's still legal just because of the tobacco industry is such an intrinsic part of our economy, we simply cannot allow it to be illegal, and completely destroy a large foundation of our financial structure.
We can let it kill people, one addicted puff at a time, but we can't allow it to kill the economy.
Now that I'm an adult, of course, I understand that an economic change as large as making tobacco sales illegal would cause people to lose jobs and suffer in that way, and that slowing down tobacco use using the tactics outlined in the USA Today article is a better way to slowly change the economic dependence on tobacco.
But sometimes I just wish that it could be like when I was in Middle School again: if you know it's bad, you just don't let people do it, end of story. Weren't those 10 minutes of believing that lovely?
I think that this is a great idea. Smoking not only kills, but is of course disgusting, smelly, icky, and tastes horrible. Kissing a smoker is entirely unpleasant, and I'm glad that the number of smokers is going down. Everyone knows it's bad for you, and yet addiction has claimed so many.
However, what annoys me is the continued sale of cigarettes despite all we know about their damaging properties.
I remember in one of my health classes, seeing a picture of a healthy, normal lung, and then right next to it an image of a diseased lung, an exercise much like Page 26 of the examples of the Product Warning Labels that the FDA is putting together.
I remember looking at that image, and being disgusted that someone could do that to their body, and simply thinking how wrong it was, how completely unhealthy and destructive it looked, just to have black insides instead of pink. It seemed devilish to me then, almost as if smoking was letting evil reside inside your body. Even now, whenever someone asks me about smoking, or even when a friend smokes around me and I politely ask them to move away or blow the smoke elsewhere, I remind them that I like my lungs pink.
Right around that time, still thinking about this lesson, I remember with almost crystal memory resolution the conversation we had in the car that day, searching for a spot in the tight rush-hour frenzied lot. It must have been winter, because it was cold and the memory has dankness scratched on the surface:
"Mom, if smoking is so bad, why can you still do it? Why don't they make people stop doing it?"
"Because tobacco production is a big part of the economy, and if they made it illegal, the whole economy could break down."
I always remember that as my first realization of the dark horrible mess that the world was, my first foray into adult conceptualization, where those days of "it's bad so you can't do it" are gone, and childhood remains a memory. Even though everyone knows that smoking a cigarette will eventually kill you, it's still legal just because of the tobacco industry is such an intrinsic part of our economy, we simply cannot allow it to be illegal, and completely destroy a large foundation of our financial structure.
We can let it kill people, one addicted puff at a time, but we can't allow it to kill the economy.
Now that I'm an adult, of course, I understand that an economic change as large as making tobacco sales illegal would cause people to lose jobs and suffer in that way, and that slowing down tobacco use using the tactics outlined in the USA Today article is a better way to slowly change the economic dependence on tobacco.
But sometimes I just wish that it could be like when I was in Middle School again: if you know it's bad, you just don't let people do it, end of story. Weren't those 10 minutes of believing that lovely?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Life Plan
My Future? Oh yeah--no IDEA what that is or what that's supposed to be. And yeah, I'm not 16, I'm 26.
For so long I thought my future was certainly in Italy. Then I thought it was most certainly in film, where mass media can change the world no matter what. Now, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. I just realized that I have WAY passed the deadline for applying to this grad program that I've been thinking about, which means I have to wait another year if I still want to apply--which means that I won't start until I'm almost 28, and won't finish until I'm over 31. 31 seems so old to be just out of grad school and without a job, still. And it seems a little too old to be starting a magnificent film empire. I will have to start from scratch no matter what. But it's also nice to think about being such an academic rock star. The NYU dual degree program that I've been looking into is for film producers and requires a portfolio as well as all the mba requirements of their business school. Going to NYU would also rock the house, so that would be cool. But I also wonder if I want to do this just to be back in school, which I desperately miss. Maybe I should just get another undergrad degree. Can you do that? Just get another bachelor's degree without doing all the silly Gen Ed's that most schools require?
The GRE literally scares the shit out of me, too. I get nervous about taking a standardized test. Basically anything with immense pressure scares the pants off me, making me wonder if it's really worth it to take the exam and go for it. What if I don't do as well as I want to? I so often wish that I was one of those excellent people who excel in so much. That just do everything well with hardly even trying. I know a few people like that. Or to be one of those people who just know what they want, know that the hard stuff is worth it, and go for it even though it's hard.
A girlfriend of mine that I had breakfast with the other day told me that we all have the strength that we need when we need to have it. You may think that you're not strong enough to handle something, but you may also be wrong. I think sometimes you also just have to have faith in yourself that you can get what you want. I mean, why can't I be an excellent test taker? I've always wanted to take over the world, but guess what I realized today--taking over the world is HARD! It's not easy and it's not the road well traveled. It's the road LESS traveled, with brambles and bushes and weeds all over the place, and you have to pass by them, and trip over them, and fall, and sometimes cry, and do the hard work.
I just wish I knew that all of this difficult stuff was really going somewhere, was really leading me where I wanted to go.
One problem: I still have NO idea where I want to go.
For so long I thought my future was certainly in Italy. Then I thought it was most certainly in film, where mass media can change the world no matter what. Now, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. I just realized that I have WAY passed the deadline for applying to this grad program that I've been thinking about, which means I have to wait another year if I still want to apply--which means that I won't start until I'm almost 28, and won't finish until I'm over 31. 31 seems so old to be just out of grad school and without a job, still. And it seems a little too old to be starting a magnificent film empire. I will have to start from scratch no matter what. But it's also nice to think about being such an academic rock star. The NYU dual degree program that I've been looking into is for film producers and requires a portfolio as well as all the mba requirements of their business school. Going to NYU would also rock the house, so that would be cool. But I also wonder if I want to do this just to be back in school, which I desperately miss. Maybe I should just get another undergrad degree. Can you do that? Just get another bachelor's degree without doing all the silly Gen Ed's that most schools require?
The GRE literally scares the shit out of me, too. I get nervous about taking a standardized test. Basically anything with immense pressure scares the pants off me, making me wonder if it's really worth it to take the exam and go for it. What if I don't do as well as I want to? I so often wish that I was one of those excellent people who excel in so much. That just do everything well with hardly even trying. I know a few people like that. Or to be one of those people who just know what they want, know that the hard stuff is worth it, and go for it even though it's hard.
A girlfriend of mine that I had breakfast with the other day told me that we all have the strength that we need when we need to have it. You may think that you're not strong enough to handle something, but you may also be wrong. I think sometimes you also just have to have faith in yourself that you can get what you want. I mean, why can't I be an excellent test taker? I've always wanted to take over the world, but guess what I realized today--taking over the world is HARD! It's not easy and it's not the road well traveled. It's the road LESS traveled, with brambles and bushes and weeds all over the place, and you have to pass by them, and trip over them, and fall, and sometimes cry, and do the hard work.
I just wish I knew that all of this difficult stuff was really going somewhere, was really leading me where I wanted to go.
One problem: I still have NO idea where I want to go.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.....
Last night I realized how negative I've become lately, and today I'm trying to count my blessings instead of counting which things haven't turned out the way I wanted to. It's so easy, and so blissfully unhelpful, to just sink into why things suck instead of finding reasons why life is alright despite normal life setbacks.
And so, a list:
1) My family has set me up very well, financially speaking. Although I wouldn't agree with some of their decisions, I will probably never starve or live on the street, or even really have to worry about getting into a financial jam.
2) My parents have been very generous, and I have never really wanted for anything. While this sometimes makes life complicated, since most people have wants and needs that are never fulfilled, or that have to be worked on very hard to be fulfilled, I have lived a good life with them by my side.
3) My family also loves me! Although we're different, and we argue, they have always supported our differences and loved me for who I am.
4) My sister and I are finally--FINALLY!--getting along. It may not last forever, but we are finally being friendly and starting to accept each other, which is pretty awesome. It's great to have her walk into the house, and feel happy to see her.
5) I can cook! I'm not a great cook, but I can pull it off, and I can eat well. I live in a country that provides multitudes of food, and I have an income that lets me eat healthfully, and maintain a rather interesting vegan lifestyle.
6) I have excellent health. I have always been down on myself about my body, because it doesn't look the way that I'd like it to, but I have always been very, very healthy. No need for surgeries, no need for physical therapy throughout my life, nothing like that. I have good hair and teeth, and although I'm no supermodel, I am very attractive. I never wanted (or needed...) a nose job or some other cosmetic procedure. It may not be all that I would have wanted--I don't live in the Beauty Bubble, I'm afraid--but it's a pretty good body, and it's gotten some attention, so I guess that's all I can ask for in this life.
7) I have found really great friends. When I was growing up, the people I went to school with treated me like I was nothing, and like I was absolute dirt, and it really sucked and hurt. When I was older, I thought the problem was me--I thought I was unlovable by anyone but my mother, and didn't know what to do about it. As a result, I was socially stunted, completely unaware of how to interact with people, and how to express myself honestly yet without harming my relationships. Of course, I'm still learning, I am only human, but I've found people who seem to accept me for who I am, and who I feel I can relax around, and I see them relaxing around me. I have always wanted to fall madly in love with some beautiful man, but I think this is better--it's real, and it's completely imperfect.
8) I have two pets who are totally adorable, and who I get to see all the time now that I live with my parents. I also get to see my Dad everyday now, which is great since he's not doing all too well, and I get to talk to my Mom a lot, which is maybe too much for me, but I think she really enjoys. It's hard for her to have it be just her, her ailing husband, and the two high-maintenance aging animals. I think it's nice to have me around, who's young and desperate to maintain herself.
9) I have a brother-in-law who's really cool, and wants to do good for me, and enjoys spending time with me. It's funny how I never felt jealous that she was getting married before me. She is two years older, but I also don't feel weird that in another year I won't be married, and I'll be the age she was when she got married. She brought him into our family, and it's like he was always supposed to be here. That's pretty awesome, I think, and I get to work with him over the next couple of weeks, and I think that'll be pretty fun!
10) I have a job. It's not a perfect job, nor the one I want to have for forever, and it's not even paying me enough right now to be independent from my family, but it's a job. It pays me, and they're nice to me here. I work with nice ladies who want me to enjoy my work, I get a few perks here and there, and I can still walk to work, which is great exercise for the day.
Well, there are 10! And now I feel good about life, even if I don't have much else other than the above worked out right now. Who knew!?!
And so, a list:
1) My family has set me up very well, financially speaking. Although I wouldn't agree with some of their decisions, I will probably never starve or live on the street, or even really have to worry about getting into a financial jam.
2) My parents have been very generous, and I have never really wanted for anything. While this sometimes makes life complicated, since most people have wants and needs that are never fulfilled, or that have to be worked on very hard to be fulfilled, I have lived a good life with them by my side.
3) My family also loves me! Although we're different, and we argue, they have always supported our differences and loved me for who I am.
4) My sister and I are finally--FINALLY!--getting along. It may not last forever, but we are finally being friendly and starting to accept each other, which is pretty awesome. It's great to have her walk into the house, and feel happy to see her.
5) I can cook! I'm not a great cook, but I can pull it off, and I can eat well. I live in a country that provides multitudes of food, and I have an income that lets me eat healthfully, and maintain a rather interesting vegan lifestyle.
6) I have excellent health. I have always been down on myself about my body, because it doesn't look the way that I'd like it to, but I have always been very, very healthy. No need for surgeries, no need for physical therapy throughout my life, nothing like that. I have good hair and teeth, and although I'm no supermodel, I am very attractive. I never wanted (or needed...) a nose job or some other cosmetic procedure. It may not be all that I would have wanted--I don't live in the Beauty Bubble, I'm afraid--but it's a pretty good body, and it's gotten some attention, so I guess that's all I can ask for in this life.
7) I have found really great friends. When I was growing up, the people I went to school with treated me like I was nothing, and like I was absolute dirt, and it really sucked and hurt. When I was older, I thought the problem was me--I thought I was unlovable by anyone but my mother, and didn't know what to do about it. As a result, I was socially stunted, completely unaware of how to interact with people, and how to express myself honestly yet without harming my relationships. Of course, I'm still learning, I am only human, but I've found people who seem to accept me for who I am, and who I feel I can relax around, and I see them relaxing around me. I have always wanted to fall madly in love with some beautiful man, but I think this is better--it's real, and it's completely imperfect.
8) I have two pets who are totally adorable, and who I get to see all the time now that I live with my parents. I also get to see my Dad everyday now, which is great since he's not doing all too well, and I get to talk to my Mom a lot, which is maybe too much for me, but I think she really enjoys. It's hard for her to have it be just her, her ailing husband, and the two high-maintenance aging animals. I think it's nice to have me around, who's young and desperate to maintain herself.
9) I have a brother-in-law who's really cool, and wants to do good for me, and enjoys spending time with me. It's funny how I never felt jealous that she was getting married before me. She is two years older, but I also don't feel weird that in another year I won't be married, and I'll be the age she was when she got married. She brought him into our family, and it's like he was always supposed to be here. That's pretty awesome, I think, and I get to work with him over the next couple of weeks, and I think that'll be pretty fun!
10) I have a job. It's not a perfect job, nor the one I want to have for forever, and it's not even paying me enough right now to be independent from my family, but it's a job. It pays me, and they're nice to me here. I work with nice ladies who want me to enjoy my work, I get a few perks here and there, and I can still walk to work, which is great exercise for the day.
Well, there are 10! And now I feel good about life, even if I don't have much else other than the above worked out right now. Who knew!?!
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