Life Plan

My Future? Oh yeah--no IDEA what that is or what that's supposed to be. And yeah, I'm not 16, I'm 26.

For so long I thought my future was certainly in Italy. Then I thought it was most certainly in film, where mass media can change the world no matter what. Now, I have no idea what it's supposed to be. I just realized that I have WAY passed the deadline for applying to this grad program that I've been thinking about, which means I have to wait another year if I still want to apply--which means that I won't start until I'm almost 28, and won't finish until I'm over 31. 31 seems so old to be just out of grad school and without a job, still. And it seems a little too old to be starting a magnificent film empire. I will have to start from scratch no matter what. But it's also nice to think about being such an academic rock star. The NYU dual degree program that I've been looking into is for film producers and requires a portfolio as well as all the mba requirements of their business school. Going to NYU would also rock the house, so that would be cool. But I also wonder if I want to do this just to be back in school, which I desperately miss. Maybe I should just get another undergrad degree. Can you do that? Just get another bachelor's degree without doing all the silly Gen Ed's that most schools require?

The GRE literally scares the shit out of me, too. I get nervous about taking a standardized test. Basically anything with immense pressure scares the pants off me, making me wonder if it's really worth it to take the exam and go for it. What if I don't do as well as I want to? I so often wish that I was one of those excellent people who excel in so much. That just do everything well with hardly even trying. I know a few people like that. Or to be one of those people who just know what they want, know that the hard stuff is worth it, and go for it even though it's hard.

A girlfriend of mine that I had breakfast with the other day told me that we all have the strength that we need when we need to have it. You may think that you're not strong enough to handle something, but you may also be wrong. I think sometimes you also just have to have faith in yourself that you can get what you want. I mean, why can't I be an excellent test taker? I've always wanted to take over the world, but guess what I realized today--taking over the world is HARD! It's not easy and it's not the road well traveled. It's the road LESS traveled, with brambles and bushes and weeds all over the place, and you have to pass by them, and trip over them, and fall, and sometimes cry, and do the hard work.

I just wish I knew that all of this difficult stuff was really going somewhere, was really leading me where I wanted to go.
One problem: I still have NO idea where I want to go.