True Love ???

ALthough lately I've left my ideals of true, perfect love in a pretty, pristine bubble behind, I find that I still wish that someone truly, completely loved me.

I watched this cute thing on pbs last night: www.pbs.org/pov/dannyandannie , which made me sob like a baby, and realize that true love really does exist.
My parents always seemed so happy and although they weren't extraordinarily affectionate about their love for one another, nor declared their love to each other every day, I believed in their love, and saw that it was real and that it could exist.
Later in life I learned how their relationship was very different than it appeared, and I think that's when I began to question what love was really about. Over a year ago, my sister got married to the best guy in the world, in my humble opinion, and while I love him and am so happy for them, I'm unsure whether that will ever happen for me.

What really breaks my heart is that I'd still like it to. I'd still love to wake up in the morning, and have someone be happy to see me there with them. I'd love to have someone in my life who can handle being around me, all the time. Who isn't afraid to see my at my worst, or my craziest, and who will still say, at the end of everything, "I love you because of this, not inspite of it."

At the same time, I know it's too much to hope for, and too unrealistic to exist. But I want it to. I want to have hope. I want to believe that some part of this fairy tale can exist in real life. It won't be a fairy tale every day, and it won't ever be anywhere near perfect.
But to have something like that, and no matter how impossible it is, or he is, to still never ever want to take it back, to never want it any other way. To love someone so much that taking everything they dish out to you is so much better than being without all the good things they provide, too.

Maybe love, or even true love, isn't in my future. Maybe it's not meant for me. Maybe talking about it and thinking about it completely jinxes it so that it never happens until I get over it. I don't know. And that's what kills me about this life crap: I Do Not Know. I don't know what's in it for me!

Sometimes I long for those crappy days when I didn't really like my life, but I knew what was coming next. School, more school, and then, I guess, a job. Now everything is up in the air, and although I love the power of choice, I wish I knew what choice I was supposed to make. My friends tell me to just keep trying, and I will, but it would still be nice to know all the same.

Maybe just knowing that it exists, even if I don't experience it for myself, is enough.
After all the jealousy, hate, cruelty, and evil that Pandora released from her box, the last of all was hope. I guess since that's all I have right now, that's all I need.

Drunken awesomeness...or misery....

So last Fri night, I had my birthday party. I wore a tiara, a friend gave me a button that flashed lips and said "kiss me, it's my birthday" and I subequently got kissed. I drank. I danced. I drank a LOT, and I went home puking. I barely remember ever dancing, and I find that so sad and disappointing.

My friend and former roommate, who would listen to all my ramblings about this, would commiserate and tell me to get over myself, currently has a non-functioning phone, so I can't even consult her either.

Although I am trying to be my new, positive self, completely open to the possibilities of the future, and letting go of the things in the past I don't like, I wish things had turned out differently that night. I wish I had danced all night, requested songs, and only gotten tipsy. I wish I remembered dancing with boys, and making out with them. I wish I had stayed there for my friends who had graciously come out with me, and not made out with people I don't even remember. It's so embarassing and scary to realize you did things that you don't even remember.

Apparently a friend-of-a-friend who came was very scared of me, and I can't really blame him! I was doing all these crazy things that I don't remember, and probably was a total freak. All my girlfriends tell me it was my birthday and that I had every right to do whatever I wanted, but it still scares the crap out of me that I had no idea what was going on.

I keep telling myself that there are always other parties where I can be the star, there's always my bday party next year, and there will always be more parties where fun can be had, but I just wish things had gone down differently.

Lesson learned, friendships retained (thank GOD), and hopefully minimal humiliation occurred. Onto the next! Halloween...where everything happens at night...

Marriage

Lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage, but not as something that I want to do for myself or anything like that, just about the institution as a whole.

First of all, isn't it strange that we call this relationship between two people an entire institution? I guess when you put all marriages together and put them within the spectrum of society's stability, etc, it can become an institution, but I find that rather strange.

I honestly find it unlikely that I will ever get married. I have never dated anyone or anything, and although for most of my life I have wanted to, lately I haven't really felt the urge. Almost as if I finally realized the only reason I wanted to date someone was because everyone else is doing it. It just seems like a stupid reason to do something. I like my life, and it's a good one. I think having a co-pilot would be fun, but I'm really starting to love the fact that I am right now responsible to no one.

I don't have to take care of anyone but myself, or include anyone but myself in my plans. I can make my own decisions, and choose who I involve in them--I can tell my parents, sister, or friends however much I choose, or leave them out completely without feeling any sense of guilt. I do honestly think that the patriarchal roots, and romance in media, have all converged to make us believe that a life mate is the sole reason for living, and in many ways the only way to be truly, completely happy. I don't think this is necessarily true.

I also believe that things are just meant to be, that life is a balance between what actions you take, including what you really want to do, what you force yourself to do, and what you decide not to do. I guess lately I've just decided to do what I want to do, including things that scare the pants off me, and do what I know must be done, even if I don't want to do it. I want to grow up, and be an adult. And I want to stop childishly forcing myself into the type of person that I think guys are looking for.

I've always tried to be "that girl." The girl that everyone loves, the girl that everyone wants to date, the girl that everyone wants to be friends with. Guess what, people? That person is NOT me. I am tempestuous, conflicted, passionate, and can be abrasive. I obsess and get upset, I get pissed off at stupid things and have minor breakdowns for no particular reason. These are not the actions of a fantastical, perfect girl that everyone is in love with. No one is really like that, even!
Whenever I think of "that girl", a friend of mine, M, always comes to mind. To me she has always been "that girl"--the perfect girl-next-door, completely attractive, inside and out, and completely lovable, totally easy to love. I have always wanted to be more like her. And I think I might have actually figured out her secret--something that I think I have been told all my life, but have never really figured out or found the courage to follow. Be yourself, no matter what. And what I truly discovered, is that means relaxing. Stop worrying if you're attractive, stop worrying if anyone likes you, stop worrying if things are going alright. Just go do things, and be confident about it. This is who you are, and this is what you're doing. And anyone against you can suck it.

Anyway, I think if I'm meant to marry, if that's what God and The Universe want for me, then I will get married. These things happen when you least expect them, when you're totally focused on something else, and I think when you are your most honest self. I don't know if I will ever get married. If I find someone fantastic--who loves my pouts and my tempers, who loves to travel with me, and will let me be the leader--then I think it's a good idea. But until then, I think I'm fine on my own. And unlike my friend M, who always has a man by her side, I think I do better without them.

Some people do better with others, they are their best selves when someone is at their side. Some others, like me, are their best selves when they maintain their standards and stand up on their own. I guess...I'm good enough on my own! Go me!

Fiction, all fiction

It's so hard to remind myself, in the moment, how big my commitment to health is. I have one bite of cupcake--one quarter, which is allowed on my plan--and I go completely insane. Needless to say, my play went to the wayside and my food addiction completely took over my life.

Lately I've been working on what fiction really means, and reminding myself of its definition when I experience it throughout my life. Books, movies, tv shows--they are all works of fiction, representations not of what life could be, but of what we wish life was. Mostly I've been focusing on romantic relationships in fiction, but today I've been thinking about food in fiction.

The movie "Laws of Attraction" is a perfect example of the ridiculous fictitiousness of both romance and food use. On one side, you have a gorgeous woman, mid-thirties, who wears cute little outfits and looks perfect in everything, and yet has an overt addiction to sugar and processed foods, which we all know are weight-gain foods. There is even a line in the movie about how sugar is a crutch and how the character is trying to stay away from it. Later on, sweets are used as a plot vehicle, as her eating of some brownies that he made her shows that she is coming around to their relationship together, proving to be a central theme to the film and to her character.
On the other side, you have this tumultuous romance between her and another equally good looking man, who also pays no attention to his diet in the film, and yet is, of course, remarkably good looking. I can tell you as a fact that neither Pierce Brosnan or Julianne Moore eat as many sweets, processed and greasy foods as their characters do in the film--both stick to strict diet and exercise regimes that make their bodies look at their peak and make their careers fly to the top of the charts.

The romance between them is also absolutely ridiculous--they meet as opposing council in this dramatic divorce case, which in reality can be dramatic but hardly like this, and immediately war against each other while simultaneously fighting this enormous attraction to each other. On a case they are fighting each other on, they go to Ireland and attend this festival where they get totally hammered and then get married as part of the festival. Through the manipulations of other side characters and their warring professional lives, they find love and get married for reals at the end of the movie--and live happily ever after.

Of course, I always want to believe these dual fantasies that you can eat whatever junk you want and have Julianne Moore's body and that you can have this dramatic and passionate relationship with almost a complete stranger, who immediately becomes both your enemy and your lover, sparking a suddenly riveting life story, which of course ends in nothing but marital and professional bliss. And so, I am turning away from this fictional cycle of death, and trying to remind myself at all times of how absolutely absurd these fictitious lies are, and what can happen in the real world.

The Real World:
1) A strict nutritional eating plan and a thorough and committed exercise regime creates a beautiful and healthy body. Junk food makes you fat--sugar without nutrition attached to it (aka, not fruit) increases your insulin, and therefore your fat intake and retention. Processed food is also nutrition-free fat and calories, and slows down your metabolism as its unnatural properties are very difficult for your body to digest. This is how it really works, and only those with absolutely ridiculously fast metabolism can process junk foods within their bodies and not gain weight. I am not one of these people, so I must abstain. I did not last night, and I regret it. Deeply.

2) Love does not come into your life with trumpets, guns blazing, tempers rising, and passions flaring. You meet someone--a friend of a friend, a guy at a bar, someone picking out their produce--and you flirt. You exchange numbers, you go on a date, and fall in love as you get to know each other better, and see things that you like. Soulmates can exist, I think, but you have to be patient and hope that in your lifetime, you find him or her. Love at first sight is extraordinarily rare, and actually seems like a bad idea, since in reality relationships are a lot of work, and monogamy isn't exactly biologically predisposed--it is a choice to be with the same person for the rest of your life, and you have to put effort and energy into continuing to make that work, no matter how much you loved each other when you first saw each other across a crowded room. Life gets in the way: you continue your job whether you fall in love or not, you hopefully continue your friendships, you continue to have your family in your life (welcome or not, or maybe you don't), you continue to have your financial situation, continue to be in debt and continue to be in a crappy job you can't get out of. Life's daily toll occurs with or without love or romance in your life. And men aren't romantic, they aren't trained to expect someone to come into their life and take it over. And do we as women even really like that narrative? That your life is really nothing until someone else, man or woman or whatever, comes into it and just makes it glow?

3) your "glow", the life force that keeps you wanting to be alive and enjoying your days as you travel through them must come from yourself and your own choices. To be happy with your choices and happy with yourself and your life as you have made it is what makes joy expound from your life. The people you surround yourself with, what kind of job you have and how you work at it, the experiences that you have and the life that you share with others is what determines joy, NOT that you have someone else in it. Multitudes of people make your life an exciting and wonderful one--your family and how you interact with them, your friends and how you interact with them, your pets and how you interact with them. It's not all romance romance romance! And sometimes you marry for love, and you get a divorce, because the reality didn't work. It was too hard, and you didn't want to work at it. Once you got over that first initial infatuation, you didn't care enough for the person to be selfless for them. Your parents or peers when you were growing up screwed you over emotionally speaking, and you can't communicate or don't know how, or don't know what it means to share your life with someone, and too many negative experiences occur, and you can't fix what's broken anymore. It happens! I have been fortunate enough to have avoided this heartache, and only have the heartache of being perennially single. It has its own issues, believe me, but there is little I can do about it.

4) Fiction is fun. It's great to experience something completely, or even slightly, unrealistic and revel in its possibilities. Love at first sight. Life-changing decisions that happen in an instant. Happenstance encounters that turn everything around. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and that's great for those who experience them. Sometimes these things happen in real life, and turn out very, very, very badly. But it's nice to walk into a movie theater and experience something absolutely fantastic, by every definition of the word. It personally gives me hope that something similar, but much more realistic, can actually happen in my own life. It stretches the imagination, and gives me fodder for my daily, well hourly, daydreams that riddle my life and make it rich, even if within my own mind. So watch! Read! Enjoy! But remember: it's all only FICTION.